Healthy not Skinny

I see a nutritionist on Friday. So, I guess the 26th of June is a huge turning point in my life.

All my life since I was about 10 years old and hit puberty I've been told I'm too fat. I was put on my first diet before I was in the fifth grade. I learned that food was either a reward or punishment. I remember one summer walking 2 miles a day back-and-forth and being forced to do it whether it was 100° heat or not. My brother and I were both in the same rigorous parent imposed diet. He lost 40 pounds that summer and I lost 8 pounds. They thought I was cheating. They thought I was sneaking food. I wasn't. I suppose at that point someone should've realized that there was a problem. At my 12-year-old checkup the doctor remarked at the amount of body hair I had and how I had trouble losing weight but nobody took any further.

At 19 I had my first real gynecologist appointment and found out I had had polycystic ovarian syndrome since my first period and severe damage to my ovaries. I might never conceive a child. At 19 this wasn't a huge thought to me. I was in college. I was having the time of my life. But almost nobody knew was that I was severely anorexic. I also suffered from bulimia.

Nobody realize this until I had to see a specialist because I got to the point I could not even hold down water. I had developed esophageal scarring and severe heartburn and GER D.  I know I did this to myself. The funniest thing when I look back is that I never remember being then even though I was malnourished and every bone in my body Poked out like a skeleton on Halloween. My family didn't tell me I looked bad. My friends didn't either. They all just congratulated me on my weight-loss which made me further continue this bad path. When I got to the point I could no longer eat I had to do something.

However, that something wasn't what was needed. I was removed from a summer semester of college and take into the psychiatrist. I was given Prozac the magic pill. It was supposed to fix everything. I never had counseling, therapy, or an appointment with a nutritionist or dietitian. I went back to school and did gain some of the weight back but my habits didn't really change that much. I was no longer bulimic but I still had food as a reward and punishment system.

To this day food is still an enemy for me. Tracking my calories is like a game to see how little I can possibly take. If I have a "good" day it means I've gone way under my caloric call for the day. If I have a bad day I'm severely depressed. But, recently I realized you can be "fat" and malnourished at the same time. It definitely made me realize the damage I've done to my body over the years.

Fast forward to next week or the end of this week. I will be seeing a registered dietitian/nutritionist. I will also be seeing a counselor to discuss my eating disorders. It's funny because people think you have to be super then to have an eating disorder. They are wrong. All you have to do is look in the mirror and see a person 200 pounds larger than you are no matter what your weight. All you have to do is think food is an enemy and not fuel. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I know I have a Long way to go.

I actually like my curves. I like my hips. I like the softness of my belly. But, I know that my eating habits are terribly unhealthy. I've started instituting small changes like cutting out soda and adding more water. A journey of 1,000,000 miles starts with one step and I'm finally taking that step.

I don't want to be skinny I just want to be healthy!

I'd love to hear your stories or experiences as well. Please, and let me know if you've ever struggled with something similar. Thank you all.
XOXO
The Curvy Nerd

What next?

So, I've finally reached my first big YouTube goal and milestone. I hit 1000 subscribers last night.  I'd like to thank all of you because without that I would never have made that possible. When I started YouTube it was a way for me to destress, to share my love of things that I like, and I never knew that I would make such good friends. Thank you again. 

But, now what? Of course, I'm going to do a giveaway. Beyond that I think I have decided to make a second channel. This channel would be all the vlogs, talking about issues, and things other than shopping. I want to make the content that I had planned when I first started YouTube. The real discussions about panic attacks, mental illness, the stigma, size and confidence, plus size fashion, etc.

THANK YOU ALL! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm also planning on being way more proactive on my blog. I'm asking… What do you think? Do you like the idea of a second channel? The second channel would have more mature rated teams so that I didn't feel like I had to hide things on the first channel because I know I do have younger viewers. 

Please let me know what you think and thank you again for all your love and support. Soon, I'll be having a video about the upcoming giveaway, etc. I have big plans. Stick with me! XOXO

But You Don't Look Sick

By now, I'm sure many of you have seen my video on the spoon theory. It describes lupus and other chronic illnesses in a way that I could never have done alone. It does a wonderful job of discussing all the physical aspects of the onus and how your spoons disappear throughout the day week month etc. But, what about the emotional aspects? What about the isolation? What about the loss of friends? What about the people who just think you're being lazy? 

What about all the pity you seeing people I or even worse the people who think you're faking the game? I assure you, dear friend , that the energy it would take to fake something like this would never work. I hate that. I hate that my body is constantly waging a war against me. Depression? Anxiety? PTSD? Etc. of course these things come along with lupus. If you spent more time at the hospital than you spent at home or doctors were all ways poking you I bet that you would have a bit of depression, a lot of anxiety, and PTSD.

It's very difficult to explain to those people that you would love to get up, get dressed, and go out and do "normal" normal activities each day. But, with lupus there is no normal. One day you might be fine and the next day you wake up to a raging fever and feeling like the exorcist has taken over your body. You lose friends because you are that girl that can't be counted on to go out, party, or be counted upon. People start seeing you in a different light. Some pity you and others just think you're lazy.

I've had to deal with all this. In college I had tons of friends, partied all the time, and never slow down. Once again getting sick my friend pool became smaller and smaller until now it's just a few people. Even those people sometimes ask me, "Are you sure you can do this next month?". I have to tell them that as long as I'm feeling well I'm very sure that I want to do that next month. But, I can never positively tell you I am sure I will be feeling well on a certain day. 

So many people post about the physical detriment of lupus. Very few are brave enough to tell about the emotional deficits and the emotional impact that Lucas has upon you. There are reasons why many chronic illness people suffer from depression, anxiety, etc. it's not only because they're constantly sick but people constantly look at you and say things like, "but you don't look sick." Or, "I'd love to lay in bed all day." Though it sounds glamorous, dear readers, I assure you that you would not love to lay in bed all day because you feel like steamroller has squished your body. You wouldn't love the random fevers that come out of the blue and soak your body. You would not love waking up one day to feel fabulous and then the next day to feel so bad that you don't want to eat, drink, or even crack an eye. 

Yes, I've lost so many people that were close friends to me because of this disease. What's sad is that I thought they were my best friends. They began calling less and less because I couldn't be "counted on" to go out etc. I Think that is when depression sets and even harder. People avoid you. People forget you. And people just ignore you. They don't want to hear that you're sick "again". I don't even want to say it.

Imagine, if you will, feeling great like you have all the energy in the world and wanting to do everything. You go out you got some tasks done come home, have a great night, and wake up the next morning feeling as if you have the worst flu you've ever had in your life. Are you going to go out with your friends that day? Most likely the answer is no. There was a pole done that showed that most people suffering from lupus downplay their illness for their family and friends because they're so tired of people saying that they are just lazy, avoiding certain tasks, etc.

I assure you that I wish I had the energy I had before. I used to go to college full-time, work a full-time job, and party full-time. I got 2 to 3 hours of sleep and I was still going. But, that will never happen again for me. So, as my pool of friends become smaller and smaller until you have no one to call when you want to cry. I realized that my real friends were online. I may not be able to reach out and hug them. I may not be able to call them whenever I want to. But, I know they have my back. 

So, to those few of you that I call a true friend I would like to thank you. You don't realize the impact you have on my life. Thank you for your kindness, your support, your love, and most of all your lack of judging me or something that I cannot control though I would love to do so.

May may be ending but my symptoms won't go away at the end of the month. I still have flash fever, I still have rashes, my immune system will still be fighting me, and I will still be sick. But, at least I still have a matinee. Maybe one day the caterpillar well metamorphoses from her cocoon. 

I NEED ....

Lately, I've been struggling with the evil need versus want. I'm always saying to myself, telling my friends, and even posting on my social media that I need to do something. When you have a chronic illness need should be very specific. You need to rest! You need to eat healthy! You need to count your spoons! Today, I realized this as I posted that I needed to make YouTube videos and do this a bad etc. although I really would like to make some new YouTube videos it is not a necessity. I do need to realize that taking a step back and resting sometimes is what I really need to do. I hope I don't sound like I'm standing on a soapbox.

Recently, I posted a picture on steps for self-care. Nowhere in those steps does it tell yourself to make a list of needed things for the day and get everything done. Battling a chronic illness plus I am anxiety disorder and being OCD makes things kind of hectic because I do like to have a list and get things done. But, right now I'm curled up in bed with a fever and a flare which is affecting my shoulders and back and making me super nauseous and I'm telling myself I need to go put on make up and I need to go make YouTube videos. I also made up a list of household chores that I told myself I need to do.  Notice how many needs are in those sentences. 

This was the picture I posted. These are the things I really need to do. That doesn't mean that and one day or one week I'm going to actually step back and only focus on this. But, it does give me guidance to read it and know that even though I need to vacuum the floor and I need to do this and that that I need to stop using the word need to, LOL.  I'm going to start replacing the word need with one unless it's something like a basic necessities such as eating. Hygiene. Etc. I think we all should do this and step back and realize that we don't need to conquer the world in one day.

It doesn't matter if you have a chronic illness or you do not. These are definitely things that you need today. I'm going to start replacing the word need with want unless it is something that is a basic necessary. At least, I'm going to try to.

I hope you are all having a wonderful day and that you take some time today to give yourself a bit of self-care. I think I'm going to get myself a facial. What are you going to do? Let me know some small things you do for self-care. I'd be really interested in knowing and getting ideas for other things to do for myself. Thank you guys for reading and I love you all. XO XO

THE CURVY NERD

Follow Me Around the Dollar Tree -- Dollar Tree Haul January 2015

So, dear readers, as the title states: I made a video called, "Follow Me Around the Dollar Tree." I love the rhyming but I had SO MUCH fun doing this video.

Basically, I grabbed my iphone and held it covertly as I shopped. I showed some of the items that my local Dollar tree has in stock as well as some fun stuff. This man stopped me while I was stopped ont he ground....AT THAT MOMENT he stoops a bit above me (scared the crap out of me) and asks me where he could go use the restroom. Of course, I politely answered but OMG he followed me around the store.

Upon later noticing my outfit of choice I realized that my "girls" were peeking out of my top as I bent over. I guess pervs come in all shapes, sizes, ages, etc. It was hilarious, though, and moreso to catch him ON CAMERA.

I hope you enjoy my videos and I am making a promise to myself to start blogging regularly. Thanks again for your support.

XOXO

How Can I Keep Calm?

I saw a picture earlier and it resonated with me. This was the picture:

J

True is this? How sad is that that even after Robin Williams committing suicide that we keep quiet about mental health disorders. I haven't been sleeping well lately so I won't preach to you or pretend or get up on a soapbox. But, I always see the sign saying, "Keep calm......" How can I keep calm? Are you going to be there to hold my hand? Are you going to talk to me at 4 AM when I can't sleep? It's a matter of deciding your priorities getting the help you need and leaving those people in your life that are hurting or harming.

Okay, I'm done. This picture just said 1000 words

Lupus, Chronic Illness, and "The Spoon Theory"

A few days ago I published a YouTube video about Lupus, Chronic Illness, and "The Spoon Theory". The Spoon Theory was written by Christine Miserandino after a friend asked her "what it felt like to have lupus." I think that the spoon theory gives a great indicator to those not dealing with these illnesses on how we have to deal with life day by day, chore by chore, etc.


I started off the video explaining that I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, CFS, and other autoimmune disorders. A quick synopsis of the spoon theory is this:


You have a certain number of spoons each day. The spoons represent energy. Each day you MUST decide how much energy you are willing to expend on each task (spoons). Getting out of bed each day is a spoon. Dressing is a spoon because you must decide specifically what to wear based on how you are feeling (or looking) that day. Making breakfast is a spoon, etc. By the end of a normal work day (5pm) you have one spoon. Will you make dinner? Will you choose to run errands? Did you get invited out by friends? Well, you can only choose one or "borrow spoons" from another day. Those spoons never get returned so you are going into the negative which means your energy for the next day, week, month etc. has been compromised. You can never catch up (like on sleep) and can lead to a crash in health. This is the EASIEST way to explain a chronic illness and how each "little" decision can impact your life. Please take a moment to watch this video and let me know what you think!

Just click below to see my video!

The Spoon Theory -- YouTube Video

This was written by Christine Miserando and you can find more information about the spoon theory at: www.butyoudontlooksick.com

I hope this helps and you have a day full of spoons and joy!

XOXO Curvy Nerd