A Christmas Wish that hasn't been granted......

A Wish that has not been granted.....

I've had the same Christmas wish for many years. It seems very silly. Its seems trivial. To most people it comes "Easy". All I want for Christmas is to see TWO lines. That sounds rather simple. Most women will know what I am talking about. I have taken SO MANY ovulation and pregnancy tests that I should own stock in the companies. I've had TWO lines a few times but it "just wasn't meant to be" or so I was told. So, with three plus miscarriages under my belt ... my wish this Christmas is for..

TWO LINES...

Yes, that's all I want.

I don't want a new Iphone, a blue box from Tiffany's, or anything else that can be bought. I want that child that I have longed for.. for over ten years. I want that baby that I dream of. I can see his/her eyelashes, the eye color, and remember the questions like.. Will he/she have your eyes or mine? 

I WANT...

TWO LINES...

I don't want to hear what people tell me all the time...

For instance..

* I Just get NEAR HIM and I get pregnant (Lucky you.. can I get near him?)

* Just RELAX (If it was that easy I'd be doing yoga on my head every night)

* Have you tried X Herb ( Yes, yes I have)

* At least you have natural birth control (SO NOT FUNNY)

* You can have one of mine! (Don't tease too much or I'll be at your door with adoption papers)

And then after they learn there have been multiple miscarriages they tell you things like...

* There is always adoption (If I could afford it I'd LOVE to adopt a child)

* It wasn't meant to be (HOW DO YOU KNOW?)

* Maybe it was not "right" (I'd take ANY child... any child of mine would be right)

When you make your Christmas wish lists this year remember the ladies that are just wishing for 

TWO LINES...

They want Santa to bring them the near impossible. 

I've not given up!

I'll never give up!

I might have a lot of stress, issues, and even medical problems in my life but I know I could offer a loving and stable home for a child.

So.. Santa, if you are listening... my Christmas Wish is...

TWO LINES!

This year is ESPECIALLY important. I keep doing this crazy fantasizing about showing my mother a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.  She starts chemo the day before Thanksgiving and wants to be a grandmother so bad. 

I actually feel like I've failed. I've failed at something that comes so natural to most women. I've failed at something that "crack addicts" can do. It squishes your self-esteem, it hurts your heart, and it makes you feel inferior.

Remember -- this year -- I just want TWO LINES!

I'm sure lots of other PCOS (and other infertility issues) would agree.

All we want are TWO LINES for Christmas. Buck up Santa!

XOXO
Me

Losing Weight is not always fun!

Sooo.... my lovely snowflakes ... long time no chat! It has been a WHILE!

I'm going to cry because it's ALMOST my birthday and "it's my party so I'll cry if I want to?"

I titled this "Losing weight is not always fun..." because I've lost like 7 pounds in the past week. Most people would be JAZZED and SO EXCITED but not when you CANNOT EAT! See, I realized that being sick is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I CANNOT eat and I lose weight it's fine. I'm not doing it on PURPOSE. But, then it becomes a habit which becomes a PROBLEM!

So, losing weight is not always fun. It brings up old insecurities, it brings up sadness, it brings up memories from the past, and it brings up triggers for eating disorders.

I started (and filmed) an entire Birchbox review tonight and then looked at the video and promptly deleted it. Not giving myself the proper nutrients has made me have dark circles, look tired, and just "not myself". So, as soon as I feel better I'll be BACK into the YouTube world -- I promise.

I have TONS of Dollar Tree products to show you guys, Ipsy bags, Birchboxes, and much more!

Let me know what you'd like to see on the new channel (If you're not subscribed it's called Curvy Chronicles).

I bought MYSELF a birthday present that will be here by then (Thursday) and I hope  it will make my videos better.

Until then -- I MISS AND LOVE you all! Thank you SO MUCH for your support, kind words, love, and just your comments.

You make this little snowflake melt from warm hugs.

Have a great one!

XOXO
The Curvy Nerd

Tea time with Downton Abbey!

Dearest friends,

I know that as of late I have been quite absent. My life seems to be a series of work, sleep, rinse, and repeat. I've been having trouble sleeping which you all know makes working on other things quite hard. So, I've turned to…DOWNTON ABBEY!!

Keep calm and drink tea!

Naturally, watching this has definitely made me want TEA.  I can think of nothing else. I've been making tea trying to soothe my nerves, calm panic, sleep, wake, etc.

I honestly haven't had the chance to try any exotic type of tea.  But, I've become addicted to Pinterest.  On there I can live my dreams of having a gorgeous tea set, having high tea, scones, clotted cream, and biscuits. Yes, I have an urge to be British you wicked child!

Seriously though, I'm really sorry for my absence as of late. Life has been so hectic. I get downtime and my tooth flares up or I become terribly clumsy and break my toe.

Hopefully, in the next few weeks I can figure out a schedule that works. If my Internet works again, if my job slows down, and if I can keep myself well. I know I'm working too much. I know I'm doing too much. I know this causes flares with Lupus. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.

I hope you are all doing well. I pray for you each night. Thank you all for sticking with me. Until the next time we meet I will dream about my tea set, tea, scones, biscuits, and being on the set of Downton Abbey. 

I miss you all.

Xoxo THE CURVY NERDY TEA DRINKER

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd 

Lupus, Chronic Illness, and "The Spoon Theory"

A few days ago I published a YouTube video about Lupus, Chronic Illness, and "The Spoon Theory". The Spoon Theory was written by Christine Miserandino after a friend asked her "what it felt like to have lupus." I think that the spoon theory gives a great indicator to those not dealing with these illnesses on how we have to deal with life day by day, chore by chore, etc.


I started off the video explaining that I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, CFS, and other autoimmune disorders. A quick synopsis of the spoon theory is this:


You have a certain number of spoons each day. The spoons represent energy. Each day you MUST decide how much energy you are willing to expend on each task (spoons). Getting out of bed each day is a spoon. Dressing is a spoon because you must decide specifically what to wear based on how you are feeling (or looking) that day. Making breakfast is a spoon, etc. By the end of a normal work day (5pm) you have one spoon. Will you make dinner? Will you choose to run errands? Did you get invited out by friends? Well, you can only choose one or "borrow spoons" from another day. Those spoons never get returned so you are going into the negative which means your energy for the next day, week, month etc. has been compromised. You can never catch up (like on sleep) and can lead to a crash in health. This is the EASIEST way to explain a chronic illness and how each "little" decision can impact your life. Please take a moment to watch this video and let me know what you think!

Just click below to see my video!

The Spoon Theory -- YouTube Video

This was written by Christine Miserando and you can find more information about the spoon theory at: www.butyoudontlooksick.com

I hope this helps and you have a day full of spoons and joy!

XOXO Curvy Nerd