I'm always the SECRET LOVER

SECRET LOVER

This post is very emotional to me but it leads into my new channel aspirations. If you read it .... be kind. It's real and it hurts. But, it's something I feel that I NEED to get out.

I've always been a "secret lover". 

At first I thought this was a GOOD thing. Guys would tell me we'd be "secret" and keep it on the "down low". You might think "OH MY GOSH -- is she stupid?!" Well, no I was raised VERY VERY conservative. I didn't drink, smoke, or kiss a boy till I went away to college. I wasn't allowed to date.

So, I didn't realize that by "secret lover" it meant they were either cheating on their other girlfriend or they were ASHAMED of being seen with me. Usually, sadly, it was the latter. Usually, they were ashamed of being seen in PUBLIC with me. It was FINE in private but not public. This begin to make my already low self-esteem even lower.

I'm pretty sure at no time in my life my self-esteem has been higher than a 3 on a 1-10 scale. In college -- I guess it was the highest at a THREE. That's sad because if I could find my college pictures most would say "but you weren't fat". But, in my mind I WAS FAT. I WAS UGLY and worst of all.....I FELT USELESS. My only use was making other people happy. That's why I was content (Nay happy) being the "secret lover". 

I'm sure it further damaged my fragile self-esteem. Even though I was the "secret girlfriend" of a fraternity president, a star baseball player, etc. it was still SECRET! They were ashamed of me and when I did tell someone they got MAD. I realized I should just keep my mouth shut and take what people gave me. I did it all my life.

I've had only ONE relationship that wasn't secret. It's my current relationship. He is the only person who was never ashamed of me. He took me out in public. But, the damage was done.

I realized, recently, that people still want me as a "secret" (I'm not talking about as a lover) but as a person in general. NO MORE!

I know it WILL NOT be easy. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of a mindset and change it into a positive mind. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of damaged and zero self-esteem and feel positive. But, it CAN be done. I won't be ANYONE'S secret ever again. 

I wish I could name the people RIGHT NOW that I've had as "secret lovers" in the past. However, I won't call them out. I won't show how they treat people. Instead, I'll be the "Bigger person". I will survive. I will be stronger.

My birthday is in one week from today. 

I want a new me for my birthday.

I am not going to be in the shadows anymore.

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd