Christmas Wishes

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Yesterday, I went and saw my mother. It's an "almost" daily visit for me. I am lucky enough to live within a 5 minute walking distance to her house. We were discussing Christmas.

My father said, "Christmas won't be the same this year" and my mother went NUTS! She cannot speak but she squealed (used her voice as much as possible) to say: "I get this ONE day a year to make perfect and it WILL BE!" I didn't quite understand until she got her notepad out and wrote it to me and then I understood more of what she meant. She loves watching us open gifts. She likes having the whole family together. She LOVES shopping for that PERFECT elusive gift.

Well, this year it is much harder. She has throat cancer. She's in the middle of week three of high dose chemotherapy and radiation. Her throat is a mess. It's swollen (outwardly on the neck), burnt (inside and out), and she can't speak or swallow. She has a feeding tube and uses a notepad to speak. Still, she INSISTS she WILL have the perfect Christmas.

My father has always been the person who "says the wrong thing" and sometimes it's just to get a "rise out of" the other person. I don't think he was trying to hurt Mom. But, he was trying to be realistic with her. She is a nurse. She had to quit working mid-September and they sold the place she had been working at for 22 years so her insurance changed. So, she had already paid her 5000+ deductible for chemo etc. and now there is a new policy (COBRA which costs a ton) and a new deductible.

He just said they didn't have the same amount of money as normal.

I don't care.

My wish for Christmas is that my mother is healthy, happy, and surrounded with family. That's ALL I WANT. But, that's not enough for her.

I went home CRYING like a baby late last night.

I found out she had a Redskins "bucket" she'd been saving every "dollar" (Single bill) and change all year for a "fang fund". Yes, it's a funny name. She called it that because she hadn't bought herself new dentures in 20 years and because she, too, has Lupus meds also destroyed her teeth at an early age. My father spilled the beans. She's cashing in her "fang fund" and buying Christmas "Just like usual". I DO NOT want her to do this. However, telling her this makes her furious.

So, I said nothing until I got home, curled up in a little ball, and cried.

I cried because she's so strong. I saw her crying silently and when I asked her why she wrote "I try to be so strong and it hurts so bad". She IS STRONG. Many people would have asked for help by now. But, NO! She has been very hard-headed about "not needing help." She still is doing her shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.

Today, she told me she was going home to bed after treatment. She was "too tired" to do anything else. It was huge for her to admit that to me so I KNOW she hurts.

It hurts me. I want to give her that Christmas wish. Most of you don't know (but will now) that I was pregnant around Thanksgiving and she knew. I had a miscarriage while she was in the hospital with heart failure (during her tube and port surgery). I did not tell her until she was home and "well". She had told me that was the best present ever. I feel like a failure I couldn't even give her that gift.

I know it wasn't my fault.

I know I can't change the facts.

I HATE CANCER!

I HATE that she has CANCER!

I want her to have that magical Christmas she wants and I PRAY that she gets everything she desires. I posted on Facebook for ideas since she can't eat, drink, get manicures, pedicures, etc. So, I'm ordering her fancy jammies (hopefully from VS if I can find a deal), got her spa aloe socks and gloves, some great cream for after sunburn (for radiation burns), and stuff like that. 

I wanted to find someone to build her a back deck. She's always wanted that. I can't afford it alone so that will have to wait.

But, I won't give up. She isn't giving up.

We are strong, opinionated Italian women WHO HATE BEING SICK and DO NOT LIKE HELP!

I guess I'm more like my mom than I ever realized.

Did I mention she's losing her hair so I am cutting mine off. That might sound "silly" but I think it will help her self-esteem.

What's your Christmas wish?

TTC #1 wanting a BFP SO BETTER BD and POAS hoping to see two lines

I made a post a couple weeks ago about wanting two lines as a Christmas wish.

Most people not and the TTC area probably would have no idea what I'm mad about "two lines". 

Also, I doubt they would understand what a BFP or why a positive OPK would mean I need to go BD.

I think when you're trying to conceive you learn a new secret language. You forge a bond with women all over the world in your situation.

My acronym is MF  #1 with PCOS.

In layman's terms that means married female trying to conceive baby number one with polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I think only a handful of people now that I did get my BFP and two lines for Christmas.

Sadly, this ended very quickly and want doctors call a chemical pregnancy. I think people here chemical pregnancy and think that means the test was malfunctioning. That is not correct. A chemical pregnancy simply means that you were pregnant but for some reason it ended very early. It is estimated that 40% of people have chemical pregnancies and never realize that as most women get a normal or just slightly delayed. I never realize they had early miscarriage. That is truly what a chemical pregnancy is no matter what nice terms are used.

I had not planned to announce this till Christmas. I only told a select few friends and my family. My mother is going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer and was in the hospital. I did not tell her until she left the hospital that the pregnancy had ended so quickly.

I think all of us are probably in the same boat. When I say that; I mean all the women that are in the "trying to conceive" stage. A lot of us probably feel like failures. What come so easily and natural  to some takes years and years of trying and tons of of one lined pregnancy tests. 

Dealing with the aftermath of a chemical pregnancy is tricky. It's very hard to mourn and yet you know there is a loss. Most women, if you're like me, had already been thinking of names looking at clothes etc. we might have been imagining that moment when we announce it to our entire family.

The point of this post was actually about the bond that is foraged with women trying to conceive. The crazy acronyms that become part of our daily lives.

I've been told "it wasn't really a baby" but it was. I guess I got my two lines for Christmas. Now I have an angel somewhere.

Just remember if you are still actively TTC to make sure to take your OPK's, remember to BD frequently, and POAS. 

I pray that you all get two lines for Christmas.

A Christmas Wish that hasn't been granted......

A Wish that has not been granted.....

I've had the same Christmas wish for many years. It seems very silly. Its seems trivial. To most people it comes "Easy". All I want for Christmas is to see TWO lines. That sounds rather simple. Most women will know what I am talking about. I have taken SO MANY ovulation and pregnancy tests that I should own stock in the companies. I've had TWO lines a few times but it "just wasn't meant to be" or so I was told. So, with three plus miscarriages under my belt ... my wish this Christmas is for..

TWO LINES...

Yes, that's all I want.

I don't want a new Iphone, a blue box from Tiffany's, or anything else that can be bought. I want that child that I have longed for.. for over ten years. I want that baby that I dream of. I can see his/her eyelashes, the eye color, and remember the questions like.. Will he/she have your eyes or mine? 

I WANT...

TWO LINES...

I don't want to hear what people tell me all the time...

For instance..

* I Just get NEAR HIM and I get pregnant (Lucky you.. can I get near him?)

* Just RELAX (If it was that easy I'd be doing yoga on my head every night)

* Have you tried X Herb ( Yes, yes I have)

* At least you have natural birth control (SO NOT FUNNY)

* You can have one of mine! (Don't tease too much or I'll be at your door with adoption papers)

And then after they learn there have been multiple miscarriages they tell you things like...

* There is always adoption (If I could afford it I'd LOVE to adopt a child)

* It wasn't meant to be (HOW DO YOU KNOW?)

* Maybe it was not "right" (I'd take ANY child... any child of mine would be right)

When you make your Christmas wish lists this year remember the ladies that are just wishing for 

TWO LINES...

They want Santa to bring them the near impossible. 

I've not given up!

I'll never give up!

I might have a lot of stress, issues, and even medical problems in my life but I know I could offer a loving and stable home for a child.

So.. Santa, if you are listening... my Christmas Wish is...

TWO LINES!

This year is ESPECIALLY important. I keep doing this crazy fantasizing about showing my mother a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.  She starts chemo the day before Thanksgiving and wants to be a grandmother so bad. 

I actually feel like I've failed. I've failed at something that comes so natural to most women. I've failed at something that "crack addicts" can do. It squishes your self-esteem, it hurts your heart, and it makes you feel inferior.

Remember -- this year -- I just want TWO LINES!

I'm sure lots of other PCOS (and other infertility issues) would agree.

All we want are TWO LINES for Christmas. Buck up Santa!

XOXO
Me

Lupus Life Lessons and a Christmas Smile!

Lupus Life Lessons...and more...

We live in a society where the trending topic alongside the horror in Paris is "Jennifer Lawrence tripped on red carpet". Really? That's what is trending right now... I could not care less who trips, falls, stumbles, etc. Honestly, that is what spurred me to write this blog entry. We ALL TRIP! We ALL FALL! The real challenge is...... do we get UP? Do we dust ourselves off and start again? Or... do we waddle and cower in our own self-pity and misery.

I have Lupus. IT SUCKS! It has taken:

* The ability to have children (3+ miscarriages)

* MY teeth (See below)

* My "good years"

* My "career" (at least my teaching career)

* My smile

I could SO give up and just throw in the towel. My life changed at 23! Yes, I had JUST secured a teaching position and *BAM* Lupus. I wanted to just stop. I wanted to give up on everything. But, my mom would have kicked my butt. She's one of those "Italian I love you but I will guilt you to death and kick your butt" moms. She went to college while I was in college, worked 2 jobs, raised 3 children, and became a nurse WHILE having Lupus herself.

I've finally found a job that is flexible enough to work around "lupus flares", doctor's appointments, and life. You know what is the best... it makes me FEEL GOOD. I feel worthy and I felt worthless before because with "All my education" (And yes I heard that quite a lot) I was not bringing in a paycheck. This job is MORE than a paycheck. It's a lifesaver. That sounds corny but I'm more like my mother than I would have ever thought. 

She always threw herself into work to deal with stress. Now, it's my turn. I have a horribly abscessed tooth (on antibiotics) though that does NOT help the pain, I don't have the money for the oral surgeon (as I'm allergic to novacaine I can't have a regular dentist), and I'm just "dealing with it". I'm also dealing with the fact that I take 18+ pills a day to keep myself "healthy" and they destroyed my teeth. It's a fact. Am I mad? Yes. Am I going to give up? No!

Instead, I made a plan: 

Work as much as possible to save money for oral surgeon and replacement teeth (A temporary bottom plate)

Deal with the pain

Try to keep the infection down with antibiotics

Make a "GOFUNDME" account

These are my last back "Chewing teeth" The ones on the other side are gone. 

Click here to HELP me get TEETH by CHRISTMAS!

(Please share this if you can. I'm not asking that you donate but any shares will help. I have broken it into 3 campaigns. The first is 1497.00 for surgery, the second will be 775.00 to get the bottom plate, and the last will be 0 since I have no clue what that step will be. I'd like to smile and eat by Christmas!)

The last part was SUPER hard for me. I DO NOT like asking for help. I HATE asking for help. I always help other people with whimsy and job but hate having to have people to help me. Honestly, it's not been super successful because I fear sharing it. I don't want people to think "Oh she wants a vacation or new makeup". NO.. well, maybe I do want those things but I don't NEED them. I NEED to be able to eat again. I NEED to be strong. I NEED the pain to end. So, each paycheck I have set 20% (or extra if I can afford it) aside for my teeth into the "GOFUNDME" account. When the pain has been AT ITS WORST ... I've THROWN myself into work. I've had some of my best weeks while dealing with the worst pain.

Now, here is the hardest part. My mom was diagnosed with throat cancer on OCTOBER 5, 2015. At first they said, "Oh it's a stage 1... a little surgery and radiation.." They were WRONG! As of Friday I found out it's a stage 3. If they do surgery she will lose swallowing function as well as speech. The other option is super aggressive chemo and radiation which "hopefully" will help the tumors but will decrease her voice and swallowing function. Next Friday they decide the course of treatment.

Am I mad? HELL YES. Am I giving up on her? HELL NO! I'm not throwing in the towel. She's dealt with Lupus issues, kidney failure (lupus side effect), respiratory failure (lupus), etc. in the past and never have I seen her like she is now. She is DEPRESSED. They WILL NOT let her work and that is what is MOST IMPORTANT to her. So, while other people would cry, wallow, and be happy to be out of work..... she's crying because SHE CANNOT WORK. She uses that as a stress reliever and she needs it. I don't know what to do right now. I've never seen her like this. 

She knows I'm in pain. I won't and WILL NEVER ask her for money because she's not making any money right now. She's been on FMLA since she started having issues in September. She keeps telling me to get it done and just put everything else to the side but she doesn't realize that I DO have to pay bills. She doesn't know my finances and that isn't something that I WOULD EVER concern her with right now.

I've gone off on a tangent but the point is... I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up on my mom, my teeth, my health, my job, or me. While others would EASILY take the bait and throw in the towel or huddle under a blanket in misery; guess what I'm doing? I'm making soap to sell so I might be able to have oral surgery before Christmas so she doesn't have to worry about me more than she already does.

I'm trying to do EVERYTHING I can to fix my OWN problems. I may whine on Facebook about pain. But, I still work. I still laugh. I still help others. I still believe. I am praying and praying. I am doing my best to do what I can for my mother, friends, family, etc. When will I get a break. I even asked the oral surgeon if he would do a payment plan or discount tonight (No dice but I had to ask if he would consider social media services as a trade for part of the bill)

What was the point?

Oh, I could have given up at 23. I have no children. Lupus has made sure of that issue. I will eventually have no real teeth. Lupus has made sure of that issue. But, I am not going to cry about that. I will reserve my tears for my Mom. She's a woman that has dealt with Lupus for 30+ years, been a nurse, a mother, a caregiver, a shoulder, and rarely missed a day of work. Not only does she deal with Lupus but now cancer and worrying about me.

Is life fair? HELL NO! Can you try to be your personal best? HELL YES!

So, thank you "Lupus" for teaching me that even though I could "apply for disability", "throw in the towel" etc. that I am a stronger person. I WANT TO WORK. I WANT TO FEEL NEEDED. I WANT TO FEEL WORTHY.

And right now... I WANT THIS PAIN TO END!

Thanks for reading...

XOXO

Write What Scares You....... This scares me and the scars can't be seen.....

Write What Scares You......

(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)

Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...

I thought about this...

Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...

No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me

This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read 

** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**

* He was the fraternity president

* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin

* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)

* He offered me a ride back to my dorm

* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me

That is how I remember my virginity being lost.

It's ALL I remember. 

I blamed myself.

I told my friends.

They said, "it happens.."

I've been carrying this for 18+ years....

I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.

I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT! 

* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH

* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING

IF....

Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT! 

It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm. 

It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok. 

I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault. 

I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.

What do I do know?

I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.

It was NOT my fault.

(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)

I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why. 

I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.

Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!

Stronger.....

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...". I've heard that phrase SO MANY times. It goes hand in hand with "Karma will repay you...", etc. So many good quotes. However, I'm not seeing the results.

I've been through so much in my life. Illness, injuries, the loss of my "Mammaw", and now more. 

I'm not going into details about what is going on .... but it's enough to make me feel like an ant carrying a boulder.

My brother and I are more alike than I would have guessed. Neither one of us have really eaten since yesterday. We both are seeking sleep as solace but I was woken today because I was told "you were crying in your sleep so bad I had to wake you." So, even sleep isn't healing or hiding me.

I really do love this picture and quote but it tells me THREE things.

I MUST BE SUPER DUPER ....

STRONG

BRAVE

and

WISE

Why don't I feel like I am any of these things?

I don't feel strong at all. Last night I was crying and blubbering because I felt useless in a situation.

I know I'm not brave. I wouldn't have panic attacks if I were brave.

And....

Wiser? I'm no so sure about that either.

I need a new quote...

If things make you stronger then I should be able to lift the car and carry it into town.

I just want to be able to handle the stress and stressors with grace.

So, today...

I broke out my new "Kat Von D" Mi Vida Loca pallete. I played with makeup. I took selfies. I ombred my lips. I tried to make myself feel pretty, fierce, and STRONG!

A friend told me her makeup was like "warpaint" for the day.

Maybe, I will have to start applying my "warpaint". 

I also measured out enough oils to make 6 pounds of soap. (sadly, I didn't realize I didn't have enough lye so I had to order it)

I don't want to sleep...

I don't want to eat...

I don't want to cry anymore..

I don't want to puke anymore..

I really really want to call my Mommy and cry. I can't do that. I HAVE to be the STRONG one. 

But, what if the glass continues to bend and bend...

When does it break?

That is my question....

Comment below and let me know if you have a stress-relieving idea....

Thanks for reading.

Love you all,

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd

Keep Calm and Think Pink!

It's October and that makes people think of pumpkin spiced (everything), Fall, the leaves changing, impending holidays, breast cancer awareness month, and STRESS!!

Yes, I mixed the GOOD and the bad in this because I think the holidays coming up do cause stress for lots of people. Also, when the world turns pink you begin to question your own mortality (moreso as a woman) but guys too! 

I've been under an AMAZINGLY large amount of stress lately. I've been putting on my brave face, my big girl panties, and trying to work, clean the house, etc. It's not really working. It's information and issues that I can't honestly tell others. I can't vent. So, I'm just asking for prayers. 

But, that brought me to a thought...

Stress KILLS!

Yes, most people know that too much stress can kill but I'm going to tell you what it does to ME!

Right now my head pounds, it makes my chest tight and hurting (like a panic attack), my stomach is upset, and I can't sleep. Cat naps and caffeine are keeping me going. I'd like to tell you that there is a magic pill -- magic potion -- way to get rid of stress but there isn't. I'm trying to realize that when I stress over something I CANNOT change that I am not helping anyone.

But, how do you NOT STRESS. How do you NOT WORRY? I don't know. If you know the answer PLEASE COMMENT!

Now, on to the public service announcement -- ladies -- I've dealt with breast issues. I've had surgeries (thankfully to an EARLY DETECTION and a MAMMOGRAM at only 19 and 23). GET THOSE BOOBIES TESTED! SAVE THE TATAS! You only get one (real) pair. You only get one life. I've seen so many of my friends and family pass from breast cancer. It's not a pretty sight. I urge you to get tested. Do SELF EXAMS! BE PROACTIVE! The doctors didn't want to give me a mammogram so young but I PUSHED and I am sure glad I did! I might not be here right now if I did not.

So, on to the future. I think, tonight, I'm going to finish my Vlogtober video (Check out my youtube chan for a full list of all the Vlogtober participants), take a bath with a bath salt mix I made, and try to just rest, relax, and SLEEP!

Comment, like, sub, share! It MIGHT SAVE A LIFE! IT MIGHT SAVE A TATA!

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd