Christmas Wishes

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Yesterday, I went and saw my mother. It's an "almost" daily visit for me. I am lucky enough to live within a 5 minute walking distance to her house. We were discussing Christmas.

My father said, "Christmas won't be the same this year" and my mother went NUTS! She cannot speak but she squealed (used her voice as much as possible) to say: "I get this ONE day a year to make perfect and it WILL BE!" I didn't quite understand until she got her notepad out and wrote it to me and then I understood more of what she meant. She loves watching us open gifts. She likes having the whole family together. She LOVES shopping for that PERFECT elusive gift.

Well, this year it is much harder. She has throat cancer. She's in the middle of week three of high dose chemotherapy and radiation. Her throat is a mess. It's swollen (outwardly on the neck), burnt (inside and out), and she can't speak or swallow. She has a feeding tube and uses a notepad to speak. Still, she INSISTS she WILL have the perfect Christmas.

My father has always been the person who "says the wrong thing" and sometimes it's just to get a "rise out of" the other person. I don't think he was trying to hurt Mom. But, he was trying to be realistic with her. She is a nurse. She had to quit working mid-September and they sold the place she had been working at for 22 years so her insurance changed. So, she had already paid her 5000+ deductible for chemo etc. and now there is a new policy (COBRA which costs a ton) and a new deductible.

He just said they didn't have the same amount of money as normal.

I don't care.

My wish for Christmas is that my mother is healthy, happy, and surrounded with family. That's ALL I WANT. But, that's not enough for her.

I went home CRYING like a baby late last night.

I found out she had a Redskins "bucket" she'd been saving every "dollar" (Single bill) and change all year for a "fang fund". Yes, it's a funny name. She called it that because she hadn't bought herself new dentures in 20 years and because she, too, has Lupus meds also destroyed her teeth at an early age. My father spilled the beans. She's cashing in her "fang fund" and buying Christmas "Just like usual". I DO NOT want her to do this. However, telling her this makes her furious.

So, I said nothing until I got home, curled up in a little ball, and cried.

I cried because she's so strong. I saw her crying silently and when I asked her why she wrote "I try to be so strong and it hurts so bad". She IS STRONG. Many people would have asked for help by now. But, NO! She has been very hard-headed about "not needing help." She still is doing her shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.

Today, she told me she was going home to bed after treatment. She was "too tired" to do anything else. It was huge for her to admit that to me so I KNOW she hurts.

It hurts me. I want to give her that Christmas wish. Most of you don't know (but will now) that I was pregnant around Thanksgiving and she knew. I had a miscarriage while she was in the hospital with heart failure (during her tube and port surgery). I did not tell her until she was home and "well". She had told me that was the best present ever. I feel like a failure I couldn't even give her that gift.

I know it wasn't my fault.

I know I can't change the facts.

I HATE CANCER!

I HATE that she has CANCER!

I want her to have that magical Christmas she wants and I PRAY that she gets everything she desires. I posted on Facebook for ideas since she can't eat, drink, get manicures, pedicures, etc. So, I'm ordering her fancy jammies (hopefully from VS if I can find a deal), got her spa aloe socks and gloves, some great cream for after sunburn (for radiation burns), and stuff like that. 

I wanted to find someone to build her a back deck. She's always wanted that. I can't afford it alone so that will have to wait.

But, I won't give up. She isn't giving up.

We are strong, opinionated Italian women WHO HATE BEING SICK and DO NOT LIKE HELP!

I guess I'm more like my mom than I ever realized.

Did I mention she's losing her hair so I am cutting mine off. That might sound "silly" but I think it will help her self-esteem.

What's your Christmas wish?

TTC #1 wanting a BFP SO BETTER BD and POAS hoping to see two lines

I made a post a couple weeks ago about wanting two lines as a Christmas wish.

Most people not and the TTC area probably would have no idea what I'm mad about "two lines". 

Also, I doubt they would understand what a BFP or why a positive OPK would mean I need to go BD.

I think when you're trying to conceive you learn a new secret language. You forge a bond with women all over the world in your situation.

My acronym is MF  #1 with PCOS.

In layman's terms that means married female trying to conceive baby number one with polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I think only a handful of people now that I did get my BFP and two lines for Christmas.

Sadly, this ended very quickly and want doctors call a chemical pregnancy. I think people here chemical pregnancy and think that means the test was malfunctioning. That is not correct. A chemical pregnancy simply means that you were pregnant but for some reason it ended very early. It is estimated that 40% of people have chemical pregnancies and never realize that as most women get a normal or just slightly delayed. I never realize they had early miscarriage. That is truly what a chemical pregnancy is no matter what nice terms are used.

I had not planned to announce this till Christmas. I only told a select few friends and my family. My mother is going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer and was in the hospital. I did not tell her until she left the hospital that the pregnancy had ended so quickly.

I think all of us are probably in the same boat. When I say that; I mean all the women that are in the "trying to conceive" stage. A lot of us probably feel like failures. What come so easily and natural  to some takes years and years of trying and tons of of one lined pregnancy tests. 

Dealing with the aftermath of a chemical pregnancy is tricky. It's very hard to mourn and yet you know there is a loss. Most women, if you're like me, had already been thinking of names looking at clothes etc. we might have been imagining that moment when we announce it to our entire family.

The point of this post was actually about the bond that is foraged with women trying to conceive. The crazy acronyms that become part of our daily lives.

I've been told "it wasn't really a baby" but it was. I guess I got my two lines for Christmas. Now I have an angel somewhere.

Just remember if you are still actively TTC to make sure to take your OPK's, remember to BD frequently, and POAS. 

I pray that you all get two lines for Christmas.