On being a "broken doll"......

I wrote this a while ago. I guess it is how I feel quite a bit but I am trying to repair this doll and take her "out of the attic". I'm tired of being played with and cast aside. Ladies (and gentleman too) I bet you know what I mean... I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment!

A one-eyed doll is cast to the side of an attic. Her clothes are worn and tattered. It looks as if they must've been blue at some point in her life. Now they hang off her half nude body. Her arms dangle lifelessly out of the sockets. One leg is broken off and the other sits at an odd angle. She smells like mothballs and tears. Salty and musty at the same time. Her mousy brown hair is cut oddly; bangs shorn all the way to the hairline. One green eye wobbles back-and-forth as I walk near her. Once she must of been a favorite. Once she must have been loved. One she must of been a real doll. Now she's a shell of what she once was. Battered, broken, dirty, and lifeless doll left to smother in the attic dust never to feel the sun again.  Doomed to diminish into the dust or for the rats to chew off her remaining limbs.

Losing Weight is not always fun!

Sooo.... my lovely snowflakes ... long time no chat! It has been a WHILE!

I'm going to cry because it's ALMOST my birthday and "it's my party so I'll cry if I want to?"

I titled this "Losing weight is not always fun..." because I've lost like 7 pounds in the past week. Most people would be JAZZED and SO EXCITED but not when you CANNOT EAT! See, I realized that being sick is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I CANNOT eat and I lose weight it's fine. I'm not doing it on PURPOSE. But, then it becomes a habit which becomes a PROBLEM!

So, losing weight is not always fun. It brings up old insecurities, it brings up sadness, it brings up memories from the past, and it brings up triggers for eating disorders.

I started (and filmed) an entire Birchbox review tonight and then looked at the video and promptly deleted it. Not giving myself the proper nutrients has made me have dark circles, look tired, and just "not myself". So, as soon as I feel better I'll be BACK into the YouTube world -- I promise.

I have TONS of Dollar Tree products to show you guys, Ipsy bags, Birchboxes, and much more!

Let me know what you'd like to see on the new channel (If you're not subscribed it's called Curvy Chronicles).

I bought MYSELF a birthday present that will be here by then (Thursday) and I hope  it will make my videos better.

Until then -- I MISS AND LOVE you all! Thank you SO MUCH for your support, kind words, love, and just your comments.

You make this little snowflake melt from warm hugs.

Have a great one!

XOXO
The Curvy Nerd

I'm always the SECRET LOVER

SECRET LOVER

This post is very emotional to me but it leads into my new channel aspirations. If you read it .... be kind. It's real and it hurts. But, it's something I feel that I NEED to get out.

I've always been a "secret lover". 

At first I thought this was a GOOD thing. Guys would tell me we'd be "secret" and keep it on the "down low". You might think "OH MY GOSH -- is she stupid?!" Well, no I was raised VERY VERY conservative. I didn't drink, smoke, or kiss a boy till I went away to college. I wasn't allowed to date.

So, I didn't realize that by "secret lover" it meant they were either cheating on their other girlfriend or they were ASHAMED of being seen with me. Usually, sadly, it was the latter. Usually, they were ashamed of being seen in PUBLIC with me. It was FINE in private but not public. This begin to make my already low self-esteem even lower.

I'm pretty sure at no time in my life my self-esteem has been higher than a 3 on a 1-10 scale. In college -- I guess it was the highest at a THREE. That's sad because if I could find my college pictures most would say "but you weren't fat". But, in my mind I WAS FAT. I WAS UGLY and worst of all.....I FELT USELESS. My only use was making other people happy. That's why I was content (Nay happy) being the "secret lover". 

I'm sure it further damaged my fragile self-esteem. Even though I was the "secret girlfriend" of a fraternity president, a star baseball player, etc. it was still SECRET! They were ashamed of me and when I did tell someone they got MAD. I realized I should just keep my mouth shut and take what people gave me. I did it all my life.

I've had only ONE relationship that wasn't secret. It's my current relationship. He is the only person who was never ashamed of me. He took me out in public. But, the damage was done.

I realized, recently, that people still want me as a "secret" (I'm not talking about as a lover) but as a person in general. NO MORE!

I know it WILL NOT be easy. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of a mindset and change it into a positive mind. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of damaged and zero self-esteem and feel positive. But, it CAN be done. I won't be ANYONE'S secret ever again. 

I wish I could name the people RIGHT NOW that I've had as "secret lovers" in the past. However, I won't call them out. I won't show how they treat people. Instead, I'll be the "Bigger person". I will survive. I will be stronger.

My birthday is in one week from today. 

I want a new me for my birthday.

I am not going to be in the shadows anymore.

A DOLL IN A BOX

                                   A DOLL IN A BOX

 A good friend called me a "Doll in a Box." I thought about this for a while and decided that he was quite correct. I do feel like a doll trapped in a pristine box. Perhaps, I'm waiting to be opened. Perhaps, the packaging needs to be ripped apart so I can finally be "free".

When I started my YouTube channel I had a vision. I wanted to show outfits and makeup and just "looks" that would make women (all women) feel inspired, free, and beautiful. But, I especially wanted to showcase plus size clothing, fashion, makeup, and beauty. Why? Because a great deal of plus size women have issues feeling beautiful. I am not going to place blame on any certain person or group or people. Each person has their own inner demons to battle. For me -- it was how I grew up, how I was bullied and treated in high school through college -- and my eating disorder. The mirror was my enemy.

This was my dream!

This was my vision!

Somewhere, I got lost. I stayed the "Doll in the Box". I was scared to branch out and show outfits, show my body, and show myself. I'm not scared anymore. I want to have the channel I intended. So, I'm branching off. I still LOVE to do Dollar Tree Hauls, DIYs, etc.

But, I want a channel for "real talk". It might be above the normal "PG-ish" rating. It might show lingerie. It might show something of a "sexual" nature. But, it will be mine. I will be free. The box will be open. 

So, I urge you to subscribe to my new channel: Curvy Chronicles 

It will be the channel that finally allows me to "Let the doll out of the box" to play. I want to express myself. I want to be open. I want to be honest.

Most of all -- I want to be me.

I hope that you can support this journey..

Love you all,

XOXO
The Doll in the Box

Dear PEOPLE .... In response to Nicole Arbour's video

I've been trying to work on the video response to Nicole Arbour's, "dear fat people," for over a day. So far, I realized I was much too emotional to make a quality video. However, that doesn't mean I can't share my feelings on my blog.

When I was 11 years old my grandmother brought me a T-shirt that said "I'm fat but you're ugly and I can go on a diet." She didn't see my tears. She didn't notice that it hurt me. She told me she thought it was a good way to make me realize I could lose weight. Even at that young age my nickname was often "fat ass."

I was extremely underweight until puberty. I was fed those shakes with high high calories to keep a normal weight. Around the age of nine "when the big P arrived" so did the pounds. Nobody seemed to notice a correlation. I was just a "fat girl" in a skinny family. I was the actual "elephant it in the room."

Nicole's video made me furious. Furious at her ignorance, furious at her using the guise of comedy to fat shame, and furious at her downright disrespectful for people.

I will be making a video. It's just going to take time to call myself so the words come out correctly. Right now they would likely come out in the spew non-lady like curses.

She says that fat shaming is not a thing! Actually, fat shaming is medically documented. It is just in the scope a body shaming. Strike one for Nicole. Ignorance!

She goes on to say that she's not talking about people with medical conditions. That's nice, Nicole!

However, how do you know if someone has a medical condition causing them to be obese? Do they typically wear a sign around their necks? I know I don't! She's just using that to hide her prejudice. 

According to shape magazine, "fat shaming tends to actually cause people to gain weight." So, if you were so concerned about us do a little research and realize that what you're doing is actually destructive.

Many of us silently suffer from eating disorders. Many of us have PCOS. There are people that actually have thyroid disorders and not just a McDonald's habit. 

I found her description of the "fat family" particularly disturbing. People smelling of sausage? Grease coming out of their pores? Then, she goes to say the sun's "fat was pushing into her airplane seat." I can tell you that is a total lie because every airline has a policy that if your are morbidly obese you have to buy more than one seat.  Good try Nicole. But, lying to get sympathy just isn't working for you.

She is faking concern. I know she made this video to get this backlash so she gets more views. I guess she gets what she wants. But, she is also helping our platform. She's also making us realize that all people are not like her and she's just ignorant.

In the end your size does not indicate who you are. Your weight on the scale doesn't measure your worth. You are loved whether your tiny, straight size, plus size, etc. and in the end… Every size is beautiful.

And the end she must be miserable. She must be trying to make herself feel better. Telling curvy or "fat people" they are beautiful does not threaten the beauty of someone skinny, fit, or traditionally beautiful.  

I would also offer to buy her a thesaurus. I would also offer to buy her a dictionary. She obviously does not understand the definition of satire, comedy, etc.

Dear Nicole,

Learn to love yourself and stop hating others. Just because we love someone of a larger size does not mean we cannot love someone of your size. You're acting ignorant, hateful, and doing this just for views. Yes, you got your views. However, you're just advancing our platform. Thank you for showing what an ignorant woman you are. I am sure that we can all come together and make a go fund me account to make sure you're properly supplied with a dictionary and Thesaurus so you know what things like comedy and satire really mean.

Sincerely,

A fat girl you hate.