Newest dollar tree haul and items. Also info about my 1000 subscribers giveaway and upcoming changes. I hope you enjoy :-)
https://youtu.be/0cuRNlKz5-I
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Changes are on the horizon…and you're NOT SICK! You are faking it!
Yesterday, I had a very revealing conversation. It was with a member of my family. I was expressing joy and jubilation at the fact that something good was coming to me to me. Instead of receiving what I thought would be hope, insight, and a cheerleader I received these words…
"It will never work! You're lazy! You're not really sick!"
Because this was a very very close family member it hurt more than usual. If I'm not sick why did my kidneys almost fail at the age of 22. If I'm not sick why do I battle fatigue that overwhelms me so much that sometimes just taking a bath is a trial. If I'm not sick… Why do I feel this way? If I'm not sick… Are the doctors lying to me… Is it some huge conspiracy…?
I admit that I cried for hours and thought of things that were not very healthy for me. I couldn't believe that this person said those words. I know it all came about because I didn't have enough money to fix my own water pump. I had to borrow. I will be paying it back! But, I don't work… therefore I am lazy!
Why do people feel this way? Why would someone that sees the daily issues I face, who understands firsthand the condition, etc. say these words to me? I've been thinking about that so much since yesterday morning.
The only answer that I could come up with was that she didn't want to believe I was sick. Yes, it was a she. Maybe, it hurts her to think of somebody this close to her dealing with so much. Maybe, she thought this "peptalk" would make me all better. It did. It hurt me. That hurt me to my very core.
She also told me that anxiety, depression, and panic attacks are… "All in your head." If you're strong enough you can just push them away. Apparently, I just want attention on me. Apparently, I'm not strong enough in her eyes.
There are some huge changes on the horizon for me. I've been trying to get a video made to explain some of them but things keep popping up. Honestly, I didn't want to make a video when I look like a sweaty mess with no water in 100° weather.
But, the changes aren't bad. They're just things I need to do to make myself a better person. They are also things that I hope will benefit you. I'm going to document these changes. I'm going to be steadfast in this endeavor.
And most of all… No matter what that person thinks of me… No matter how pitiful their opinion of me is....I'm going to make this happen! This… Will be explained in my next video so stay tuned. Sorry again that I haven't been able to make videos. I promise but soon I will have my 1000 subscriber video thank you and winner up as well as a dollar tree haul, and a new beauty blender dupe that I found that I really believe is as good as the one from Sephora!
So stay tuned… Thank you all for believing in me and being there for me… And most of all…
Thank you for not thinking I'm lazy…
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Healthy not Skinny
I see a nutritionist on Friday. So, I guess the 26th of June is a huge turning point in my life.
All my life since I was about 10 years old and hit puberty I've been told I'm too fat. I was put on my first diet before I was in the fifth grade. I learned that food was either a reward or punishment. I remember one summer walking 2 miles a day back-and-forth and being forced to do it whether it was 100° heat or not. My brother and I were both in the same rigorous parent imposed diet. He lost 40 pounds that summer and I lost 8 pounds. They thought I was cheating. They thought I was sneaking food. I wasn't. I suppose at that point someone should've realized that there was a problem. At my 12-year-old checkup the doctor remarked at the amount of body hair I had and how I had trouble losing weight but nobody took any further.
At 19 I had my first real gynecologist appointment and found out I had had polycystic ovarian syndrome since my first period and severe damage to my ovaries. I might never conceive a child. At 19 this wasn't a huge thought to me. I was in college. I was having the time of my life. But almost nobody knew was that I was severely anorexic. I also suffered from bulimia.
Nobody realize this until I had to see a specialist because I got to the point I could not even hold down water. I had developed esophageal scarring and severe heartburn and GER D. I know I did this to myself. The funniest thing when I look back is that I never remember being then even though I was malnourished and every bone in my body Poked out like a skeleton on Halloween. My family didn't tell me I looked bad. My friends didn't either. They all just congratulated me on my weight-loss which made me further continue this bad path. When I got to the point I could no longer eat I had to do something.
However, that something wasn't what was needed. I was removed from a summer semester of college and take into the psychiatrist. I was given Prozac the magic pill. It was supposed to fix everything. I never had counseling, therapy, or an appointment with a nutritionist or dietitian. I went back to school and did gain some of the weight back but my habits didn't really change that much. I was no longer bulimic but I still had food as a reward and punishment system.
To this day food is still an enemy for me. Tracking my calories is like a game to see how little I can possibly take. If I have a "good" day it means I've gone way under my caloric call for the day. If I have a bad day I'm severely depressed. But, recently I realized you can be "fat" and malnourished at the same time. It definitely made me realize the damage I've done to my body over the years.
Fast forward to next week or the end of this week. I will be seeing a registered dietitian/nutritionist. I will also be seeing a counselor to discuss my eating disorders. It's funny because people think you have to be super then to have an eating disorder. They are wrong. All you have to do is look in the mirror and see a person 200 pounds larger than you are no matter what your weight. All you have to do is think food is an enemy and not fuel. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I know I have a Long way to go.
I actually like my curves. I like my hips. I like the softness of my belly. But, I know that my eating habits are terribly unhealthy. I've started instituting small changes like cutting out soda and adding more water. A journey of 1,000,000 miles starts with one step and I'm finally taking that step.
I don't want to be skinny I just want to be healthy!
I'd love to hear your stories or experiences as well. Please, and let me know if you've ever struggled with something similar. Thank you all.
XOXO
The Curvy Nerd
All my life since I was about 10 years old and hit puberty I've been told I'm too fat. I was put on my first diet before I was in the fifth grade. I learned that food was either a reward or punishment. I remember one summer walking 2 miles a day back-and-forth and being forced to do it whether it was 100° heat or not. My brother and I were both in the same rigorous parent imposed diet. He lost 40 pounds that summer and I lost 8 pounds. They thought I was cheating. They thought I was sneaking food. I wasn't. I suppose at that point someone should've realized that there was a problem. At my 12-year-old checkup the doctor remarked at the amount of body hair I had and how I had trouble losing weight but nobody took any further.
At 19 I had my first real gynecologist appointment and found out I had had polycystic ovarian syndrome since my first period and severe damage to my ovaries. I might never conceive a child. At 19 this wasn't a huge thought to me. I was in college. I was having the time of my life. But almost nobody knew was that I was severely anorexic. I also suffered from bulimia.
Nobody realize this until I had to see a specialist because I got to the point I could not even hold down water. I had developed esophageal scarring and severe heartburn and GER D. I know I did this to myself. The funniest thing when I look back is that I never remember being then even though I was malnourished and every bone in my body Poked out like a skeleton on Halloween. My family didn't tell me I looked bad. My friends didn't either. They all just congratulated me on my weight-loss which made me further continue this bad path. When I got to the point I could no longer eat I had to do something.
However, that something wasn't what was needed. I was removed from a summer semester of college and take into the psychiatrist. I was given Prozac the magic pill. It was supposed to fix everything. I never had counseling, therapy, or an appointment with a nutritionist or dietitian. I went back to school and did gain some of the weight back but my habits didn't really change that much. I was no longer bulimic but I still had food as a reward and punishment system.
To this day food is still an enemy for me. Tracking my calories is like a game to see how little I can possibly take. If I have a "good" day it means I've gone way under my caloric call for the day. If I have a bad day I'm severely depressed. But, recently I realized you can be "fat" and malnourished at the same time. It definitely made me realize the damage I've done to my body over the years.
Fast forward to next week or the end of this week. I will be seeing a registered dietitian/nutritionist. I will also be seeing a counselor to discuss my eating disorders. It's funny because people think you have to be super then to have an eating disorder. They are wrong. All you have to do is look in the mirror and see a person 200 pounds larger than you are no matter what your weight. All you have to do is think food is an enemy and not fuel. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I know I have a Long way to go.
I actually like my curves. I like my hips. I like the softness of my belly. But, I know that my eating habits are terribly unhealthy. I've started instituting small changes like cutting out soda and adding more water. A journey of 1,000,000 miles starts with one step and I'm finally taking that step.
I don't want to be skinny I just want to be healthy!
I'd love to hear your stories or experiences as well. Please, and let me know if you've ever struggled with something similar. Thank you all.
XOXO
The Curvy Nerd
Monday, June 22, 2015
What next?
So, I've finally reached my first big YouTube goal and milestone. I hit 1000 subscribers last night. I'd like to thank all of you because without that I would never have made that possible. When I started YouTube it was a way for me to destress, to share my love of things that I like, and I never knew that I would make such good friends. Thank you again.
But, now what? Of course, I'm going to do a giveaway. Beyond that I think I have decided to make a second channel. This channel would be all the vlogs, talking about issues, and things other than shopping. I want to make the content that I had planned when I first started YouTube. The real discussions about panic attacks, mental illness, the stigma, size and confidence, plus size fashion, etc.
THANK YOU ALL! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm also planning on being way more proactive on my blog. I'm asking… What do you think? Do you like the idea of a second channel? The second channel would have more mature rated teams so that I didn't feel like I had to hide things on the first channel because I know I do have younger viewers.
Please let me know what you think and thank you again for all your love and support. Soon, I'll be having a video about the upcoming giveaway, etc. I have big plans. Stick with me! XOXO
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