Write What Scares You....... This scares me and the scars can't be seen.....

Write What Scares You......

(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)

Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...

I thought about this...

Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...

No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me

This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read 

** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**

* He was the fraternity president

* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin

* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)

* He offered me a ride back to my dorm

* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me

That is how I remember my virginity being lost.

It's ALL I remember. 

I blamed myself.

I told my friends.

They said, "it happens.."

I've been carrying this for 18+ years....

I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.

I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT! 

* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH

* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING

IF....

Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT! 

It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm. 

It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok. 

I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault. 

I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.

What do I do know?

I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.

It was NOT my fault.

(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)

I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why. 

I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.

Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!

Stronger.....

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...". I've heard that phrase SO MANY times. It goes hand in hand with "Karma will repay you...", etc. So many good quotes. However, I'm not seeing the results.

I've been through so much in my life. Illness, injuries, the loss of my "Mammaw", and now more. 

I'm not going into details about what is going on .... but it's enough to make me feel like an ant carrying a boulder.

My brother and I are more alike than I would have guessed. Neither one of us have really eaten since yesterday. We both are seeking sleep as solace but I was woken today because I was told "you were crying in your sleep so bad I had to wake you." So, even sleep isn't healing or hiding me.

I really do love this picture and quote but it tells me THREE things.

I MUST BE SUPER DUPER ....

STRONG

BRAVE

and

WISE

Why don't I feel like I am any of these things?

I don't feel strong at all. Last night I was crying and blubbering because I felt useless in a situation.

I know I'm not brave. I wouldn't have panic attacks if I were brave.

And....

Wiser? I'm no so sure about that either.

I need a new quote...

If things make you stronger then I should be able to lift the car and carry it into town.

I just want to be able to handle the stress and stressors with grace.

So, today...

I broke out my new "Kat Von D" Mi Vida Loca pallete. I played with makeup. I took selfies. I ombred my lips. I tried to make myself feel pretty, fierce, and STRONG!

A friend told me her makeup was like "warpaint" for the day.

Maybe, I will have to start applying my "warpaint". 

I also measured out enough oils to make 6 pounds of soap. (sadly, I didn't realize I didn't have enough lye so I had to order it)

I don't want to sleep...

I don't want to eat...

I don't want to cry anymore..

I don't want to puke anymore..

I really really want to call my Mommy and cry. I can't do that. I HAVE to be the STRONG one. 

But, what if the glass continues to bend and bend...

When does it break?

That is my question....

Comment below and let me know if you have a stress-relieving idea....

Thanks for reading.

Love you all,

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd

Keep Calm and Think Pink!

It's October and that makes people think of pumpkin spiced (everything), Fall, the leaves changing, impending holidays, breast cancer awareness month, and STRESS!!

Yes, I mixed the GOOD and the bad in this because I think the holidays coming up do cause stress for lots of people. Also, when the world turns pink you begin to question your own mortality (moreso as a woman) but guys too! 

I've been under an AMAZINGLY large amount of stress lately. I've been putting on my brave face, my big girl panties, and trying to work, clean the house, etc. It's not really working. It's information and issues that I can't honestly tell others. I can't vent. So, I'm just asking for prayers. 

But, that brought me to a thought...

Stress KILLS!

Yes, most people know that too much stress can kill but I'm going to tell you what it does to ME!

Right now my head pounds, it makes my chest tight and hurting (like a panic attack), my stomach is upset, and I can't sleep. Cat naps and caffeine are keeping me going. I'd like to tell you that there is a magic pill -- magic potion -- way to get rid of stress but there isn't. I'm trying to realize that when I stress over something I CANNOT change that I am not helping anyone.

But, how do you NOT STRESS. How do you NOT WORRY? I don't know. If you know the answer PLEASE COMMENT!

Now, on to the public service announcement -- ladies -- I've dealt with breast issues. I've had surgeries (thankfully to an EARLY DETECTION and a MAMMOGRAM at only 19 and 23). GET THOSE BOOBIES TESTED! SAVE THE TATAS! You only get one (real) pair. You only get one life. I've seen so many of my friends and family pass from breast cancer. It's not a pretty sight. I urge you to get tested. Do SELF EXAMS! BE PROACTIVE! The doctors didn't want to give me a mammogram so young but I PUSHED and I am sure glad I did! I might not be here right now if I did not.

So, on to the future. I think, tonight, I'm going to finish my Vlogtober video (Check out my youtube chan for a full list of all the Vlogtober participants), take a bath with a bath salt mix I made, and try to just rest, relax, and SLEEP!

Comment, like, sub, share! It MIGHT SAVE A LIFE! IT MIGHT SAVE A TATA!

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd