PCOS - PCOS is more than just cystic ovaries

At 22 years old you don't expect to be told you will likely never have a child. I had just gotten married, went for a check up, and got the shocking news!!

Not only did I have Lupus (which would make me a high-risk pregnancy) but I had PCOS;  for polycystic ovarian syndrome. It was a curse!!

Not only what I deal with the horrible physical symptoms such as painful cramping, horrible PMS, IBS that went out of control before periods etc. but I also have to deal with the horrible that affected me feeling like complete woman. 

Not only what I most likely be infertile…

But, I'd have to endure painful methods of hair removal or be the woman with a beard!

Not only what I have to shave, epilate, use depilatory etc. 

But I'd likely never have the pleasure of being a mother

I thought I could defy the odds. I've been pregnant three times. Each time has ended in a miscarriage. Somewhere, up in heaven, I have three angels.

Mother's Day is like torture for me!

PMS is a cake walk; welcome to PMDD. 

Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder

This was not just painful periods. This was not just feeling weepy or a few mood swings. This makes you feel like everything is topsy-turvy. Your body betrays you. For me, IBs reeks havoc on my stomach along with gut wrenching cramps that I always say feel like someone is trying to dig out my uterus with a spoon. 

My face becomes like a pizza again.

My moods are horrible. They reach the lowest of lows.

You'd think all this was enough. You would think the physical pain, the embarrassment, etc. was enough. You think never being able to have a child was enough. 

But, I recently learned the other risks:

Women with PCOS are 50% my likely to have diabetes or prediabetes by the age 40

Women with PCOS have higher incidence of cardiovascular disease

Women with PCOS are more likely to have certain cancers of the female organs 

So, not only do we suffer from insulin resistance, being overweight, being excessively hairy, pain, mood swings, etc.

We also suffers from empty wombs! We cry on our pillows at night. Some of us have never gotten pregnant. Some of us have Angel babies. 

More research needs to be done. There needs to be a cure. There needs to be better treatments. There are a lot of us. Let's make our voices heard!

Can you tell who is going with cramps, pain, and mood swings tonight?

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd 

Instagram bans "curvy". Is this hidden fat shaming?

By most of the world standards I am that. I'm OK with that. But, I like to describe myself as curvy. I was so shocked a couple days ago but I tried to use that #on Instagram and it had been removed. After a little investigation I saw that they state: they removed it because it was associated with nudity. Now I may be in a rocket scientist but how about removing words like nude, nudity, labia, vagina, etc.

They kept hashtags like skinny, thin, fatso, fatty, fatbitch but remove the # for curvy. Honestly, I'm appalled that Instagram is using this excuse to take down pictures of gorgeous curvy women. I really think it has nothing to do with nudity or I feel that they would remove words like nude. If they took down all those words I would understand. But, they did. Only one word was removed: #curvy

Most larger women and men have been bullied, shamed, and teased off and on all their lives. Is this another way that such a big social media platform is hiding the fact that sometimes we are embracing ourselves now. We are finally learning to love ourselves and stand up for ourselves! Without the removal of the other derogatory terms I have to think this is the case. I am disappointed and sad.

Honestly, it's only been in the past few months that I've started to embrace myself. Could I stand a lose a few pounds? Sure! Am I going to try to kill myself to do it, no!

I am #curvy and I love myself.

Look at my YouTube name! That was made months and months before any controversy. I've been the Curvy Nerd for almost a year.

I'm seriously thinking of making a YouTube video explaining my thoughts on the subject to Instagram. Honestly, I'm sure they will never see it. But, maybe it will inspire others to fight back.

We are beautiful whether we are thin, skinny, fat, curvy, etc. Beauty is about the person inside and outside mixed. It's not just appearance.

Instagram is setting a very startling and scary precedence especially for the younger audience.

They have kept words like anorexia, pro anorexia, let's get skinny, fatso, etc.

They have made their selves heard. It's time that we fight back. #bringcurvyback #curvee

What is this blog and Curvy Nerd Soaps?!

                                                 "Shades of Grey" handmade soap

First of all, I want to thank all of my readers. You might be wondering, "what is this blog?"

Well, this blog is a bit of this and that. I'm practicing writing more and more so that I can update you on flash sales. For instance, when Lane Bryant does their $50 off $100. When Amazon has a super cool deal for a dollar. When there's this super New hot item from the dollar tree.

It will be a mix of personal type topics as well as super deals, frugal life, bargains, etc.

I hope that doesn't intimidate you. Some of the topics are pretty heavy. But instead of having to blogs I figured I would just be myself and contain myself and one.

So that being said…

First of all I want to thank you all for something private messages, commented, etc. on my go fund me campaign so I can get my teeth fixed. A little update on that…

I'm still in major pain. I'm still trying to work every day. I want to personally think Daisy and Jamie for being my first two donors. It means the world. Also, that being said…

I know everybody doesn't have money to donate. Your kind words, hugs, prayers, etc. mean the world to me.

This was the picture I drew for my fauxbonichi, lol! I think it captures but I'm feeling right now.

Also, I would like to thank all of you that I have reached out to me with condolences. I'm still in a state of wondering if this is some kind of dream. It all just seems surreal. However, I got a text this morning discussing funeral arrangements. I guess it is real.

Continuing on…

I've been thinking a lot about my soaps lately. I haven't felt well. I haven't had time. I also need to organize my room so I can find everything I needed to actually make more soap.

Even with all the excuses I miss it dearly. It's almost zen like for me when I am preparing and making soap. I come up with this magic formula and it looks and smells so divine. Glides across my skin and feel so good. I miss it.

With that being said I'm going to get back on it. I still need to organize my craft room. But, it's something I love and miss.

I have been thinking about a name change. Because I love English and fairytales I went by soaping beauty at the beginning which was three years ago.

I'm very much thinking of streamlining everything and going with Curvy Nerd soaps!

I really love the idea. Plus, coming out with the logo will be very simple and very cute.

Over the past eight or nine months I've come to love the name. I answer to it. It does embody me.

Since I use it for my YouTube channel it just makes sense. It is me.

So, dear readers, please comment below on anything I have said and let me know your ideas. What scents do you like? Do you enjoy bath fizzles? Do you enjoy homemade lip balm? How about lip scrub? I can basically make anything that Lush-like at half the price!

Have a wonderful Tuesday and I love you all.

XoXo

THE CURVY NERD

A semicolon; a pause not an end to your story!

Early this morning I received a huge shock. I'm still in a state of mixed emotions. I suppose they would best be described as sharp, sadness, hurt, anger and regret.

I was very close friends with this girl. We did everything together for a period of a few years. About a year and a half ago her mental condition worsened and she began taking everything out. The friendship became almost intolerant. She would lash out. I kept in contact with her but could no longer be her punching bag. 

I was well aware she suffered from mental illness. She had severe bipolar disorder. She also had major depressive disorder.

In the span of our very close to your friendship she was involuntarily committed six times for trying to end her life.

Many of these times she would actually take pills in front of you and say, "what are you going to do now?" She would wait patiently for the EMS and I would come deliver activated charcoal and the waiting time with would begin again. 

The last time she did it in my presence she actually took my medication and took the whole bottle. Not only did she take her medicine I needed but she down the whole bottle in front of her husband and family. 

She admitted to me that she used this tactic keep her husband with her. He had thought of leaving her because of her erratic and abusive behavior. She knew that he would always find her.

I knew there had to be more. She was on quite a few medications for mental illness but refused therapy. I was urged her to go out for therapy. I told her it was the true answer. 

Now I come to the part where I discussed the semicolon project!

 “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, reports USA Today.

I love this idea. Your story is not ended. But, a semicolon reminds you that I easily could have been. It reminds you to take a pause. Take a break. Don't and your story.

I guess the reason I'm writing this today is because I received a phone call very early this morning. In  the 15 to 20 times that she overdosed in the past 3 to 4 years she always make sure someone would find her. 

Someone did find her!

Her son just graduated. He found her. 

This time, he found her too late. This time, there was no pause. This time, she was dead.

I have so many conflicting emotions because of how she treated me. However, the one one emotion that I know I have is sadness. I'm very sad that she never got the help she needed. I'm sad she's leaving her husband, two sons, and a nine-month-old granddaughter. I'm sad that she never got the help she needed.

Just remember, there is always someone out there that loves you, that support you, and doesn't want you to end your story.

I've never gotten a tattoo. I'm just too fickle. I knew that I change my mind. However, I am considering now.

A semicolon would remind me of all that see it that my story and their story is not ended. You just take a pause. Remember that things will be better tomorrow.

I've been hurting terribly in a physical manner for the past few weeks. I've been super depressed because I can't eat, I can't smile, and it's very difficult to sleep. Having teeth problems is one of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I have a very high pain threshold. 

It just seems terribly ironic that I have a time when I am trying to figure out how to pay for tooth extraction, setting up a go fund me account, etc. that someone else is taking their own life. Honestly, I can't say I've never thought of it with all the pain that I go through mentally and physically.  But, I know my story is not ready for that final period.  

I just need a pause. Perhaps you need to pause. Just remember you always have people that love and support you. Don't take that final step. Think about the noble and often forgotten semicolon. Just pause. 

Our story is not ready to end!

The real reason I started a YouTube channel and why I will be changing it!

Nine months ago I started a YouTube channel to document my struggles with panic and anxiety disorder. Because of severe discouragement from my close family, friends, etc. I got worried. They told me "don't air your dirty laundry on the Internet."

Why is panic disorder, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, etc. "dirty laundry?" 

People seem to say mental illness is not a disease or disorder but something that you can just shut off. I know that these people have never experienced the trauma of a panic attack. They have never felt their chest tighten, their heart race, sweaty palms, chills, and overwhelming fear. Or, they would never say that you could just shut it off. Also, I doubt they would describe it as dirty laundry if they had experienced it before. 

One of my most horrific panic attacks is associated with Walmart. I was in there on a very very hot day and likely slightly dehydrated. The flickering fluorescent lights coupled with the heat just set me off. Suddenly, this huge store seemed to be so small and getting smaller with all the people. I felt like they were all staring at me. And I couldn't find the people I came with. I couldn't escape. I couldn't get to the car. I ran towards the front door and a cashier stopped me to ask if I needed something because I was so pale? She offered to call 911. Let me tell you: that is the worst thing someone can offer when you're already freaking out especially if one of your major triggers for panic are doctors and hospitals.

I paid for a water and then ran out the door. I ran out into more intense heat likely over 100° that day. Finally, my grandmother and little brother found me and we got in the car and air conditioner. It was horrible. It took me hours and hours to come down. To this day, I am still very nervous about going into Walmart.

That's probably the worst thing about panic attacks. They're so bad you began to fear the attack itself. You fear the places you have the attacks. And then, he began basically staying only" safe zones." The more you fear the attacks. The more you fear the places. The more the panic hits. The fear of the panic attack actually sets off the panic attack itself.

Then, if it gets really bad you become almost Agoraphobic. The outside world is not your friend. Often, even your inside and safe sevens aren't your friends anymore.

I've had many many panic attacks. I've had many trips to the emergency room where my pulse rate was 160 etc. Let me tell you…A Nurse saying wow your pulse is high does not help you when you're having a panic attack. 

People don't understand how horrible they are. People don't understand this is a disease and a disorder and not something to be shoved under the rug and be ashamed of. I have to admit that I am just as guilty. I don't specifically like talking about it. When I have a major freak out I have nobody to call anymore. I pretty much just hide. I don't want people to hear me cry. I don't want people to hear me freaking out. What if they think I'm crazy?  

It doesn't matter… I don't have anybody to call anymore. I have one friend that I can rely on but I try not to put too much on her. She also suffers from panic disorder so I don't want to set her off. Plus, putting everything on one person is a lot. One person isn't a support system!

Basically, the reason I'm writing this post is to tell you that I'm going to split off into a secondary YouTube channel. It will be called the Curvy Chronicles. Basically, I will do what I intended to do on YouTube in the first place. I will still do my fun stuff like Store reviews, etc. but I'm also going to tackle the hard stuff. That's what I wanted to do in the first place. I'm tired of letting my family and people that are supposed to be friends push me down.

So I hope you will support me in this journey. It won't be easy. Once I set up the new channel I will announce it and have links.

I urge you to talk to people to if you suffer from any of this. It is a lonely lonely world for someone dealing with this who has no one to vent to or feel like there is no shoulder to cry on.

Xoxoxo 

Jamie The Curvy nerd