Christmas Wishes

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Yesterday, I went and saw my mother. It's an "almost" daily visit for me. I am lucky enough to live within a 5 minute walking distance to her house. We were discussing Christmas.

My father said, "Christmas won't be the same this year" and my mother went NUTS! She cannot speak but she squealed (used her voice as much as possible) to say: "I get this ONE day a year to make perfect and it WILL BE!" I didn't quite understand until she got her notepad out and wrote it to me and then I understood more of what she meant. She loves watching us open gifts. She likes having the whole family together. She LOVES shopping for that PERFECT elusive gift.

Well, this year it is much harder. She has throat cancer. She's in the middle of week three of high dose chemotherapy and radiation. Her throat is a mess. It's swollen (outwardly on the neck), burnt (inside and out), and she can't speak or swallow. She has a feeding tube and uses a notepad to speak. Still, she INSISTS she WILL have the perfect Christmas.

My father has always been the person who "says the wrong thing" and sometimes it's just to get a "rise out of" the other person. I don't think he was trying to hurt Mom. But, he was trying to be realistic with her. She is a nurse. She had to quit working mid-September and they sold the place she had been working at for 22 years so her insurance changed. So, she had already paid her 5000+ deductible for chemo etc. and now there is a new policy (COBRA which costs a ton) and a new deductible.

He just said they didn't have the same amount of money as normal.

I don't care.

My wish for Christmas is that my mother is healthy, happy, and surrounded with family. That's ALL I WANT. But, that's not enough for her.

I went home CRYING like a baby late last night.

I found out she had a Redskins "bucket" she'd been saving every "dollar" (Single bill) and change all year for a "fang fund". Yes, it's a funny name. She called it that because she hadn't bought herself new dentures in 20 years and because she, too, has Lupus meds also destroyed her teeth at an early age. My father spilled the beans. She's cashing in her "fang fund" and buying Christmas "Just like usual". I DO NOT want her to do this. However, telling her this makes her furious.

So, I said nothing until I got home, curled up in a little ball, and cried.

I cried because she's so strong. I saw her crying silently and when I asked her why she wrote "I try to be so strong and it hurts so bad". She IS STRONG. Many people would have asked for help by now. But, NO! She has been very hard-headed about "not needing help." She still is doing her shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.

Today, she told me she was going home to bed after treatment. She was "too tired" to do anything else. It was huge for her to admit that to me so I KNOW she hurts.

It hurts me. I want to give her that Christmas wish. Most of you don't know (but will now) that I was pregnant around Thanksgiving and she knew. I had a miscarriage while she was in the hospital with heart failure (during her tube and port surgery). I did not tell her until she was home and "well". She had told me that was the best present ever. I feel like a failure I couldn't even give her that gift.

I know it wasn't my fault.

I know I can't change the facts.

I HATE CANCER!

I HATE that she has CANCER!

I want her to have that magical Christmas she wants and I PRAY that she gets everything she desires. I posted on Facebook for ideas since she can't eat, drink, get manicures, pedicures, etc. So, I'm ordering her fancy jammies (hopefully from VS if I can find a deal), got her spa aloe socks and gloves, some great cream for after sunburn (for radiation burns), and stuff like that. 

I wanted to find someone to build her a back deck. She's always wanted that. I can't afford it alone so that will have to wait.

But, I won't give up. She isn't giving up.

We are strong, opinionated Italian women WHO HATE BEING SICK and DO NOT LIKE HELP!

I guess I'm more like my mom than I ever realized.

Did I mention she's losing her hair so I am cutting mine off. That might sound "silly" but I think it will help her self-esteem.

What's your Christmas wish?

TTC #1 wanting a BFP SO BETTER BD and POAS hoping to see two lines

I made a post a couple weeks ago about wanting two lines as a Christmas wish.

Most people not and the TTC area probably would have no idea what I'm mad about "two lines". 

Also, I doubt they would understand what a BFP or why a positive OPK would mean I need to go BD.

I think when you're trying to conceive you learn a new secret language. You forge a bond with women all over the world in your situation.

My acronym is MF  #1 with PCOS.

In layman's terms that means married female trying to conceive baby number one with polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I think only a handful of people now that I did get my BFP and two lines for Christmas.

Sadly, this ended very quickly and want doctors call a chemical pregnancy. I think people here chemical pregnancy and think that means the test was malfunctioning. That is not correct. A chemical pregnancy simply means that you were pregnant but for some reason it ended very early. It is estimated that 40% of people have chemical pregnancies and never realize that as most women get a normal or just slightly delayed. I never realize they had early miscarriage. That is truly what a chemical pregnancy is no matter what nice terms are used.

I had not planned to announce this till Christmas. I only told a select few friends and my family. My mother is going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer and was in the hospital. I did not tell her until she left the hospital that the pregnancy had ended so quickly.

I think all of us are probably in the same boat. When I say that; I mean all the women that are in the "trying to conceive" stage. A lot of us probably feel like failures. What come so easily and natural  to some takes years and years of trying and tons of of one lined pregnancy tests. 

Dealing with the aftermath of a chemical pregnancy is tricky. It's very hard to mourn and yet you know there is a loss. Most women, if you're like me, had already been thinking of names looking at clothes etc. we might have been imagining that moment when we announce it to our entire family.

The point of this post was actually about the bond that is foraged with women trying to conceive. The crazy acronyms that become part of our daily lives.

I've been told "it wasn't really a baby" but it was. I guess I got my two lines for Christmas. Now I have an angel somewhere.

Just remember if you are still actively TTC to make sure to take your OPK's, remember to BD frequently, and POAS. 

I pray that you all get two lines for Christmas.

A Christmas Wish that hasn't been granted......

A Wish that has not been granted.....

I've had the same Christmas wish for many years. It seems very silly. Its seems trivial. To most people it comes "Easy". All I want for Christmas is to see TWO lines. That sounds rather simple. Most women will know what I am talking about. I have taken SO MANY ovulation and pregnancy tests that I should own stock in the companies. I've had TWO lines a few times but it "just wasn't meant to be" or so I was told. So, with three plus miscarriages under my belt ... my wish this Christmas is for..

TWO LINES...

Yes, that's all I want.

I don't want a new Iphone, a blue box from Tiffany's, or anything else that can be bought. I want that child that I have longed for.. for over ten years. I want that baby that I dream of. I can see his/her eyelashes, the eye color, and remember the questions like.. Will he/she have your eyes or mine? 

I WANT...

TWO LINES...

I don't want to hear what people tell me all the time...

For instance..

* I Just get NEAR HIM and I get pregnant (Lucky you.. can I get near him?)

* Just RELAX (If it was that easy I'd be doing yoga on my head every night)

* Have you tried X Herb ( Yes, yes I have)

* At least you have natural birth control (SO NOT FUNNY)

* You can have one of mine! (Don't tease too much or I'll be at your door with adoption papers)

And then after they learn there have been multiple miscarriages they tell you things like...

* There is always adoption (If I could afford it I'd LOVE to adopt a child)

* It wasn't meant to be (HOW DO YOU KNOW?)

* Maybe it was not "right" (I'd take ANY child... any child of mine would be right)

When you make your Christmas wish lists this year remember the ladies that are just wishing for 

TWO LINES...

They want Santa to bring them the near impossible. 

I've not given up!

I'll never give up!

I might have a lot of stress, issues, and even medical problems in my life but I know I could offer a loving and stable home for a child.

So.. Santa, if you are listening... my Christmas Wish is...

TWO LINES!

This year is ESPECIALLY important. I keep doing this crazy fantasizing about showing my mother a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.  She starts chemo the day before Thanksgiving and wants to be a grandmother so bad. 

I actually feel like I've failed. I've failed at something that comes so natural to most women. I've failed at something that "crack addicts" can do. It squishes your self-esteem, it hurts your heart, and it makes you feel inferior.

Remember -- this year -- I just want TWO LINES!

I'm sure lots of other PCOS (and other infertility issues) would agree.

All we want are TWO LINES for Christmas. Buck up Santa!

XOXO
Me

Lupus Life Lessons and a Christmas Smile!

Lupus Life Lessons...and more...

We live in a society where the trending topic alongside the horror in Paris is "Jennifer Lawrence tripped on red carpet". Really? That's what is trending right now... I could not care less who trips, falls, stumbles, etc. Honestly, that is what spurred me to write this blog entry. We ALL TRIP! We ALL FALL! The real challenge is...... do we get UP? Do we dust ourselves off and start again? Or... do we waddle and cower in our own self-pity and misery.

I have Lupus. IT SUCKS! It has taken:

* The ability to have children (3+ miscarriages)

* MY teeth (See below)

* My "good years"

* My "career" (at least my teaching career)

* My smile

I could SO give up and just throw in the towel. My life changed at 23! Yes, I had JUST secured a teaching position and *BAM* Lupus. I wanted to just stop. I wanted to give up on everything. But, my mom would have kicked my butt. She's one of those "Italian I love you but I will guilt you to death and kick your butt" moms. She went to college while I was in college, worked 2 jobs, raised 3 children, and became a nurse WHILE having Lupus herself.

I've finally found a job that is flexible enough to work around "lupus flares", doctor's appointments, and life. You know what is the best... it makes me FEEL GOOD. I feel worthy and I felt worthless before because with "All my education" (And yes I heard that quite a lot) I was not bringing in a paycheck. This job is MORE than a paycheck. It's a lifesaver. That sounds corny but I'm more like my mother than I would have ever thought. 

She always threw herself into work to deal with stress. Now, it's my turn. I have a horribly abscessed tooth (on antibiotics) though that does NOT help the pain, I don't have the money for the oral surgeon (as I'm allergic to novacaine I can't have a regular dentist), and I'm just "dealing with it". I'm also dealing with the fact that I take 18+ pills a day to keep myself "healthy" and they destroyed my teeth. It's a fact. Am I mad? Yes. Am I going to give up? No!

Instead, I made a plan: 

Work as much as possible to save money for oral surgeon and replacement teeth (A temporary bottom plate)

Deal with the pain

Try to keep the infection down with antibiotics

Make a "GOFUNDME" account

These are my last back "Chewing teeth" The ones on the other side are gone. 

Click here to HELP me get TEETH by CHRISTMAS!

(Please share this if you can. I'm not asking that you donate but any shares will help. I have broken it into 3 campaigns. The first is 1497.00 for surgery, the second will be 775.00 to get the bottom plate, and the last will be 0 since I have no clue what that step will be. I'd like to smile and eat by Christmas!)

The last part was SUPER hard for me. I DO NOT like asking for help. I HATE asking for help. I always help other people with whimsy and job but hate having to have people to help me. Honestly, it's not been super successful because I fear sharing it. I don't want people to think "Oh she wants a vacation or new makeup". NO.. well, maybe I do want those things but I don't NEED them. I NEED to be able to eat again. I NEED to be strong. I NEED the pain to end. So, each paycheck I have set 20% (or extra if I can afford it) aside for my teeth into the "GOFUNDME" account. When the pain has been AT ITS WORST ... I've THROWN myself into work. I've had some of my best weeks while dealing with the worst pain.

Now, here is the hardest part. My mom was diagnosed with throat cancer on OCTOBER 5, 2015. At first they said, "Oh it's a stage 1... a little surgery and radiation.." They were WRONG! As of Friday I found out it's a stage 3. If they do surgery she will lose swallowing function as well as speech. The other option is super aggressive chemo and radiation which "hopefully" will help the tumors but will decrease her voice and swallowing function. Next Friday they decide the course of treatment.

Am I mad? HELL YES. Am I giving up on her? HELL NO! I'm not throwing in the towel. She's dealt with Lupus issues, kidney failure (lupus side effect), respiratory failure (lupus), etc. in the past and never have I seen her like she is now. She is DEPRESSED. They WILL NOT let her work and that is what is MOST IMPORTANT to her. So, while other people would cry, wallow, and be happy to be out of work..... she's crying because SHE CANNOT WORK. She uses that as a stress reliever and she needs it. I don't know what to do right now. I've never seen her like this. 

She knows I'm in pain. I won't and WILL NEVER ask her for money because she's not making any money right now. She's been on FMLA since she started having issues in September. She keeps telling me to get it done and just put everything else to the side but she doesn't realize that I DO have to pay bills. She doesn't know my finances and that isn't something that I WOULD EVER concern her with right now.

I've gone off on a tangent but the point is... I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up on my mom, my teeth, my health, my job, or me. While others would EASILY take the bait and throw in the towel or huddle under a blanket in misery; guess what I'm doing? I'm making soap to sell so I might be able to have oral surgery before Christmas so she doesn't have to worry about me more than she already does.

I'm trying to do EVERYTHING I can to fix my OWN problems. I may whine on Facebook about pain. But, I still work. I still laugh. I still help others. I still believe. I am praying and praying. I am doing my best to do what I can for my mother, friends, family, etc. When will I get a break. I even asked the oral surgeon if he would do a payment plan or discount tonight (No dice but I had to ask if he would consider social media services as a trade for part of the bill)

What was the point?

Oh, I could have given up at 23. I have no children. Lupus has made sure of that issue. I will eventually have no real teeth. Lupus has made sure of that issue. But, I am not going to cry about that. I will reserve my tears for my Mom. She's a woman that has dealt with Lupus for 30+ years, been a nurse, a mother, a caregiver, a shoulder, and rarely missed a day of work. Not only does she deal with Lupus but now cancer and worrying about me.

Is life fair? HELL NO! Can you try to be your personal best? HELL YES!

So, thank you "Lupus" for teaching me that even though I could "apply for disability", "throw in the towel" etc. that I am a stronger person. I WANT TO WORK. I WANT TO FEEL NEEDED. I WANT TO FEEL WORTHY.

And right now... I WANT THIS PAIN TO END!

Thanks for reading...

XOXO

Write What Scares You....... This scares me and the scars can't be seen.....

Write What Scares You......

(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)

Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...

I thought about this...

Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...

No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me

This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read 

** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**

* He was the fraternity president

* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin

* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)

* He offered me a ride back to my dorm

* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me

That is how I remember my virginity being lost.

It's ALL I remember. 

I blamed myself.

I told my friends.

They said, "it happens.."

I've been carrying this for 18+ years....

I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.

I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT! 

* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH

* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING

IF....

Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT! 

It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm. 

It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok. 

I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault. 

I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.

What do I do know?

I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.

It was NOT my fault.

(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)

I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why. 

I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.

Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!

Stronger.....

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...". I've heard that phrase SO MANY times. It goes hand in hand with "Karma will repay you...", etc. So many good quotes. However, I'm not seeing the results.

I've been through so much in my life. Illness, injuries, the loss of my "Mammaw", and now more. 

I'm not going into details about what is going on .... but it's enough to make me feel like an ant carrying a boulder.

My brother and I are more alike than I would have guessed. Neither one of us have really eaten since yesterday. We both are seeking sleep as solace but I was woken today because I was told "you were crying in your sleep so bad I had to wake you." So, even sleep isn't healing or hiding me.

I really do love this picture and quote but it tells me THREE things.

I MUST BE SUPER DUPER ....

STRONG

BRAVE

and

WISE

Why don't I feel like I am any of these things?

I don't feel strong at all. Last night I was crying and blubbering because I felt useless in a situation.

I know I'm not brave. I wouldn't have panic attacks if I were brave.

And....

Wiser? I'm no so sure about that either.

I need a new quote...

If things make you stronger then I should be able to lift the car and carry it into town.

I just want to be able to handle the stress and stressors with grace.

So, today...

I broke out my new "Kat Von D" Mi Vida Loca pallete. I played with makeup. I took selfies. I ombred my lips. I tried to make myself feel pretty, fierce, and STRONG!

A friend told me her makeup was like "warpaint" for the day.

Maybe, I will have to start applying my "warpaint". 

I also measured out enough oils to make 6 pounds of soap. (sadly, I didn't realize I didn't have enough lye so I had to order it)

I don't want to sleep...

I don't want to eat...

I don't want to cry anymore..

I don't want to puke anymore..

I really really want to call my Mommy and cry. I can't do that. I HAVE to be the STRONG one. 

But, what if the glass continues to bend and bend...

When does it break?

That is my question....

Comment below and let me know if you have a stress-relieving idea....

Thanks for reading.

Love you all,

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd

Keep Calm and Think Pink!

It's October and that makes people think of pumpkin spiced (everything), Fall, the leaves changing, impending holidays, breast cancer awareness month, and STRESS!!

Yes, I mixed the GOOD and the bad in this because I think the holidays coming up do cause stress for lots of people. Also, when the world turns pink you begin to question your own mortality (moreso as a woman) but guys too! 

I've been under an AMAZINGLY large amount of stress lately. I've been putting on my brave face, my big girl panties, and trying to work, clean the house, etc. It's not really working. It's information and issues that I can't honestly tell others. I can't vent. So, I'm just asking for prayers. 

But, that brought me to a thought...

Stress KILLS!

Yes, most people know that too much stress can kill but I'm going to tell you what it does to ME!

Right now my head pounds, it makes my chest tight and hurting (like a panic attack), my stomach is upset, and I can't sleep. Cat naps and caffeine are keeping me going. I'd like to tell you that there is a magic pill -- magic potion -- way to get rid of stress but there isn't. I'm trying to realize that when I stress over something I CANNOT change that I am not helping anyone.

But, how do you NOT STRESS. How do you NOT WORRY? I don't know. If you know the answer PLEASE COMMENT!

Now, on to the public service announcement -- ladies -- I've dealt with breast issues. I've had surgeries (thankfully to an EARLY DETECTION and a MAMMOGRAM at only 19 and 23). GET THOSE BOOBIES TESTED! SAVE THE TATAS! You only get one (real) pair. You only get one life. I've seen so many of my friends and family pass from breast cancer. It's not a pretty sight. I urge you to get tested. Do SELF EXAMS! BE PROACTIVE! The doctors didn't want to give me a mammogram so young but I PUSHED and I am sure glad I did! I might not be here right now if I did not.

So, on to the future. I think, tonight, I'm going to finish my Vlogtober video (Check out my youtube chan for a full list of all the Vlogtober participants), take a bath with a bath salt mix I made, and try to just rest, relax, and SLEEP!

Comment, like, sub, share! It MIGHT SAVE A LIFE! IT MIGHT SAVE A TATA!

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd

On being a "broken doll"......

I wrote this a while ago. I guess it is how I feel quite a bit but I am trying to repair this doll and take her "out of the attic". I'm tired of being played with and cast aside. Ladies (and gentleman too) I bet you know what I mean... I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment!

A one-eyed doll is cast to the side of an attic. Her clothes are worn and tattered. It looks as if they must've been blue at some point in her life. Now they hang off her half nude body. Her arms dangle lifelessly out of the sockets. One leg is broken off and the other sits at an odd angle. She smells like mothballs and tears. Salty and musty at the same time. Her mousy brown hair is cut oddly; bangs shorn all the way to the hairline. One green eye wobbles back-and-forth as I walk near her. Once she must of been a favorite. Once she must have been loved. One she must of been a real doll. Now she's a shell of what she once was. Battered, broken, dirty, and lifeless doll left to smother in the attic dust never to feel the sun again.  Doomed to diminish into the dust or for the rats to chew off her remaining limbs.

Losing Weight is not always fun!

Sooo.... my lovely snowflakes ... long time no chat! It has been a WHILE!

I'm going to cry because it's ALMOST my birthday and "it's my party so I'll cry if I want to?"

I titled this "Losing weight is not always fun..." because I've lost like 7 pounds in the past week. Most people would be JAZZED and SO EXCITED but not when you CANNOT EAT! See, I realized that being sick is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I CANNOT eat and I lose weight it's fine. I'm not doing it on PURPOSE. But, then it becomes a habit which becomes a PROBLEM!

So, losing weight is not always fun. It brings up old insecurities, it brings up sadness, it brings up memories from the past, and it brings up triggers for eating disorders.

I started (and filmed) an entire Birchbox review tonight and then looked at the video and promptly deleted it. Not giving myself the proper nutrients has made me have dark circles, look tired, and just "not myself". So, as soon as I feel better I'll be BACK into the YouTube world -- I promise.

I have TONS of Dollar Tree products to show you guys, Ipsy bags, Birchboxes, and much more!

Let me know what you'd like to see on the new channel (If you're not subscribed it's called Curvy Chronicles).

I bought MYSELF a birthday present that will be here by then (Thursday) and I hope  it will make my videos better.

Until then -- I MISS AND LOVE you all! Thank you SO MUCH for your support, kind words, love, and just your comments.

You make this little snowflake melt from warm hugs.

Have a great one!

XOXO
The Curvy Nerd

I'm always the SECRET LOVER

SECRET LOVER

This post is very emotional to me but it leads into my new channel aspirations. If you read it .... be kind. It's real and it hurts. But, it's something I feel that I NEED to get out.

I've always been a "secret lover". 

At first I thought this was a GOOD thing. Guys would tell me we'd be "secret" and keep it on the "down low". You might think "OH MY GOSH -- is she stupid?!" Well, no I was raised VERY VERY conservative. I didn't drink, smoke, or kiss a boy till I went away to college. I wasn't allowed to date.

So, I didn't realize that by "secret lover" it meant they were either cheating on their other girlfriend or they were ASHAMED of being seen with me. Usually, sadly, it was the latter. Usually, they were ashamed of being seen in PUBLIC with me. It was FINE in private but not public. This begin to make my already low self-esteem even lower.

I'm pretty sure at no time in my life my self-esteem has been higher than a 3 on a 1-10 scale. In college -- I guess it was the highest at a THREE. That's sad because if I could find my college pictures most would say "but you weren't fat". But, in my mind I WAS FAT. I WAS UGLY and worst of all.....I FELT USELESS. My only use was making other people happy. That's why I was content (Nay happy) being the "secret lover". 

I'm sure it further damaged my fragile self-esteem. Even though I was the "secret girlfriend" of a fraternity president, a star baseball player, etc. it was still SECRET! They were ashamed of me and when I did tell someone they got MAD. I realized I should just keep my mouth shut and take what people gave me. I did it all my life.

I've had only ONE relationship that wasn't secret. It's my current relationship. He is the only person who was never ashamed of me. He took me out in public. But, the damage was done.

I realized, recently, that people still want me as a "secret" (I'm not talking about as a lover) but as a person in general. NO MORE!

I know it WILL NOT be easy. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of a mindset and change it into a positive mind. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of damaged and zero self-esteem and feel positive. But, it CAN be done. I won't be ANYONE'S secret ever again. 

I wish I could name the people RIGHT NOW that I've had as "secret lovers" in the past. However, I won't call them out. I won't show how they treat people. Instead, I'll be the "Bigger person". I will survive. I will be stronger.

My birthday is in one week from today. 

I want a new me for my birthday.

I am not going to be in the shadows anymore.

A DOLL IN A BOX

                                   A DOLL IN A BOX

 A good friend called me a "Doll in a Box." I thought about this for a while and decided that he was quite correct. I do feel like a doll trapped in a pristine box. Perhaps, I'm waiting to be opened. Perhaps, the packaging needs to be ripped apart so I can finally be "free".

When I started my YouTube channel I had a vision. I wanted to show outfits and makeup and just "looks" that would make women (all women) feel inspired, free, and beautiful. But, I especially wanted to showcase plus size clothing, fashion, makeup, and beauty. Why? Because a great deal of plus size women have issues feeling beautiful. I am not going to place blame on any certain person or group or people. Each person has their own inner demons to battle. For me -- it was how I grew up, how I was bullied and treated in high school through college -- and my eating disorder. The mirror was my enemy.

This was my dream!

This was my vision!

Somewhere, I got lost. I stayed the "Doll in the Box". I was scared to branch out and show outfits, show my body, and show myself. I'm not scared anymore. I want to have the channel I intended. So, I'm branching off. I still LOVE to do Dollar Tree Hauls, DIYs, etc.

But, I want a channel for "real talk". It might be above the normal "PG-ish" rating. It might show lingerie. It might show something of a "sexual" nature. But, it will be mine. I will be free. The box will be open. 

So, I urge you to subscribe to my new channel: Curvy Chronicles 

It will be the channel that finally allows me to "Let the doll out of the box" to play. I want to express myself. I want to be open. I want to be honest.

Most of all -- I want to be me.

I hope that you can support this journey..

Love you all,

XOXO
The Doll in the Box

Dear PEOPLE .... In response to Nicole Arbour's video

I've been trying to work on the video response to Nicole Arbour's, "dear fat people," for over a day. So far, I realized I was much too emotional to make a quality video. However, that doesn't mean I can't share my feelings on my blog.

When I was 11 years old my grandmother brought me a T-shirt that said "I'm fat but you're ugly and I can go on a diet." She didn't see my tears. She didn't notice that it hurt me. She told me she thought it was a good way to make me realize I could lose weight. Even at that young age my nickname was often "fat ass."

I was extremely underweight until puberty. I was fed those shakes with high high calories to keep a normal weight. Around the age of nine "when the big P arrived" so did the pounds. Nobody seemed to notice a correlation. I was just a "fat girl" in a skinny family. I was the actual "elephant it in the room."

Nicole's video made me furious. Furious at her ignorance, furious at her using the guise of comedy to fat shame, and furious at her downright disrespectful for people.

I will be making a video. It's just going to take time to call myself so the words come out correctly. Right now they would likely come out in the spew non-lady like curses.

She says that fat shaming is not a thing! Actually, fat shaming is medically documented. It is just in the scope a body shaming. Strike one for Nicole. Ignorance!

She goes on to say that she's not talking about people with medical conditions. That's nice, Nicole!

However, how do you know if someone has a medical condition causing them to be obese? Do they typically wear a sign around their necks? I know I don't! She's just using that to hide her prejudice. 

According to shape magazine, "fat shaming tends to actually cause people to gain weight." So, if you were so concerned about us do a little research and realize that what you're doing is actually destructive.

Many of us silently suffer from eating disorders. Many of us have PCOS. There are people that actually have thyroid disorders and not just a McDonald's habit. 

I found her description of the "fat family" particularly disturbing. People smelling of sausage? Grease coming out of their pores? Then, she goes to say the sun's "fat was pushing into her airplane seat." I can tell you that is a total lie because every airline has a policy that if your are morbidly obese you have to buy more than one seat.  Good try Nicole. But, lying to get sympathy just isn't working for you.

She is faking concern. I know she made this video to get this backlash so she gets more views. I guess she gets what she wants. But, she is also helping our platform. She's also making us realize that all people are not like her and she's just ignorant.

In the end your size does not indicate who you are. Your weight on the scale doesn't measure your worth. You are loved whether your tiny, straight size, plus size, etc. and in the end… Every size is beautiful.

And the end she must be miserable. She must be trying to make herself feel better. Telling curvy or "fat people" they are beautiful does not threaten the beauty of someone skinny, fit, or traditionally beautiful.  

I would also offer to buy her a thesaurus. I would also offer to buy her a dictionary. She obviously does not understand the definition of satire, comedy, etc.

Dear Nicole,

Learn to love yourself and stop hating others. Just because we love someone of a larger size does not mean we cannot love someone of your size. You're acting ignorant, hateful, and doing this just for views. Yes, you got your views. However, you're just advancing our platform. Thank you for showing what an ignorant woman you are. I am sure that we can all come together and make a go fund me account to make sure you're properly supplied with a dictionary and Thesaurus so you know what things like comedy and satire really mean.

Sincerely,

A fat girl you hate. 

Cover Girl Stars Wars Limited Edition Makeup Release!!

Are you going to join the Darkside or be on the side of light?

I am drooling over the upcoming release of the Star Wars cover girl Limited edition  make up. Are you? 

According to Allure magazine the release date is set for September 4!

It looks like there are going to be nail polishes, mascara, and lipstick.

Are you excited? Here's a sneak peak of some of the products.

End The Stigma; one year without Robin Williams

It hit me this morning that today marks one year without Robin Williams and our life. I've had a very trying past few nights trying to sleep while dealing with panic attacks, jitteriness, and overall anxiety. Do I reach out to anybody? No. Why? Likely, because of the stigma attached with this. It still has not ended.

I've suffered from anxiety and panic disorder for more than 12 years. For many years I was very quiet about the issue. I felt as if I were a failure. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought nobody else would understand.

I wonder if that is how Robin Williams felt…

So many people deal with the same thing and yet there afraid to speak out.

In the past year I've learned about helpful resources such as the semicolon project. Do we really want to have our story? Or do we just want to take a pause?

For me, I just need a pause. Sometimes, life just gets too overwhelming. They anxiety is full force and I feel like nobody understands. I've lost virtually all my friends in real life. I hate to reach out to virtual friends as I have afraid of losing them as well. It's sad but it's true.

So, on the anniversary of losing this wonderful comedian and actor I have to wonder if he would've been helped if he spoke out…

I'm speaking it out! I'm raising my voice! Yes, I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. Yes, I suffer from lupus. This does not make me weak. On the contrary, I think we are some of the strongest people in the world.

Raise your voice, be heard, and speak out. Let's end the stigma. We are not crazy. We are strong. We are warriors fighting our own internal battle. Sometimes we need soldiers to help us along the way. That does not make us weak. 

Just remember that there's someone else out there just like you huddled under the blankets, crying, shaking, and needing a few more soldiers on their side.

Try to lend an ear. It will help more than you know.

Tea time with Downton Abbey!

Dearest friends,

I know that as of late I have been quite absent. My life seems to be a series of work, sleep, rinse, and repeat. I've been having trouble sleeping which you all know makes working on other things quite hard. So, I've turned to…DOWNTON ABBEY!!

Keep calm and drink tea!

Naturally, watching this has definitely made me want TEA.  I can think of nothing else. I've been making tea trying to soothe my nerves, calm panic, sleep, wake, etc.

I honestly haven't had the chance to try any exotic type of tea.  But, I've become addicted to Pinterest.  On there I can live my dreams of having a gorgeous tea set, having high tea, scones, clotted cream, and biscuits. Yes, I have an urge to be British you wicked child!

Seriously though, I'm really sorry for my absence as of late. Life has been so hectic. I get downtime and my tooth flares up or I become terribly clumsy and break my toe.

Hopefully, in the next few weeks I can figure out a schedule that works. If my Internet works again, if my job slows down, and if I can keep myself well. I know I'm working too much. I know I'm doing too much. I know this causes flares with Lupus. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.

I hope you are all doing well. I pray for you each night. Thank you all for sticking with me. Until the next time we meet I will dream about my tea set, tea, scones, biscuits, and being on the set of Downton Abbey. 

I miss you all.

Xoxo THE CURVY NERDY TEA DRINKER

PCOS - PCOS is more than just cystic ovaries

At 22 years old you don't expect to be told you will likely never have a child. I had just gotten married, went for a check up, and got the shocking news!!

Not only did I have Lupus (which would make me a high-risk pregnancy) but I had PCOS;  for polycystic ovarian syndrome. It was a curse!!

Not only what I deal with the horrible physical symptoms such as painful cramping, horrible PMS, IBS that went out of control before periods etc. but I also have to deal with the horrible that affected me feeling like complete woman. 

Not only what I most likely be infertile…

But, I'd have to endure painful methods of hair removal or be the woman with a beard!

Not only what I have to shave, epilate, use depilatory etc. 

But I'd likely never have the pleasure of being a mother

I thought I could defy the odds. I've been pregnant three times. Each time has ended in a miscarriage. Somewhere, up in heaven, I have three angels.

Mother's Day is like torture for me!

PMS is a cake walk; welcome to PMDD. 

Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder

This was not just painful periods. This was not just feeling weepy or a few mood swings. This makes you feel like everything is topsy-turvy. Your body betrays you. For me, IBs reeks havoc on my stomach along with gut wrenching cramps that I always say feel like someone is trying to dig out my uterus with a spoon. 

My face becomes like a pizza again.

My moods are horrible. They reach the lowest of lows.

You'd think all this was enough. You would think the physical pain, the embarrassment, etc. was enough. You think never being able to have a child was enough. 

But, I recently learned the other risks:

Women with PCOS are 50% my likely to have diabetes or prediabetes by the age 40

Women with PCOS have higher incidence of cardiovascular disease

Women with PCOS are more likely to have certain cancers of the female organs 

So, not only do we suffer from insulin resistance, being overweight, being excessively hairy, pain, mood swings, etc.

We also suffers from empty wombs! We cry on our pillows at night. Some of us have never gotten pregnant. Some of us have Angel babies. 

More research needs to be done. There needs to be a cure. There needs to be better treatments. There are a lot of us. Let's make our voices heard!

Can you tell who is going with cramps, pain, and mood swings tonight?

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd 

Instagram bans "curvy". Is this hidden fat shaming?

By most of the world standards I am that. I'm OK with that. But, I like to describe myself as curvy. I was so shocked a couple days ago but I tried to use that #on Instagram and it had been removed. After a little investigation I saw that they state: they removed it because it was associated with nudity. Now I may be in a rocket scientist but how about removing words like nude, nudity, labia, vagina, etc.

They kept hashtags like skinny, thin, fatso, fatty, fatbitch but remove the # for curvy. Honestly, I'm appalled that Instagram is using this excuse to take down pictures of gorgeous curvy women. I really think it has nothing to do with nudity or I feel that they would remove words like nude. If they took down all those words I would understand. But, they did. Only one word was removed: #curvy

Most larger women and men have been bullied, shamed, and teased off and on all their lives. Is this another way that such a big social media platform is hiding the fact that sometimes we are embracing ourselves now. We are finally learning to love ourselves and stand up for ourselves! Without the removal of the other derogatory terms I have to think this is the case. I am disappointed and sad.

Honestly, it's only been in the past few months that I've started to embrace myself. Could I stand a lose a few pounds? Sure! Am I going to try to kill myself to do it, no!

I am #curvy and I love myself.

Look at my YouTube name! That was made months and months before any controversy. I've been the Curvy Nerd for almost a year.

I'm seriously thinking of making a YouTube video explaining my thoughts on the subject to Instagram. Honestly, I'm sure they will never see it. But, maybe it will inspire others to fight back.

We are beautiful whether we are thin, skinny, fat, curvy, etc. Beauty is about the person inside and outside mixed. It's not just appearance.

Instagram is setting a very startling and scary precedence especially for the younger audience.

They have kept words like anorexia, pro anorexia, let's get skinny, fatso, etc.

They have made their selves heard. It's time that we fight back. #bringcurvyback #curvee

What is this blog and Curvy Nerd Soaps?!

                                                 "Shades of Grey" handmade soap

First of all, I want to thank all of my readers. You might be wondering, "what is this blog?"

Well, this blog is a bit of this and that. I'm practicing writing more and more so that I can update you on flash sales. For instance, when Lane Bryant does their $50 off $100. When Amazon has a super cool deal for a dollar. When there's this super New hot item from the dollar tree.

It will be a mix of personal type topics as well as super deals, frugal life, bargains, etc.

I hope that doesn't intimidate you. Some of the topics are pretty heavy. But instead of having to blogs I figured I would just be myself and contain myself and one.

So that being said…

First of all I want to thank you all for something private messages, commented, etc. on my go fund me campaign so I can get my teeth fixed. A little update on that…

I'm still in major pain. I'm still trying to work every day. I want to personally think Daisy and Jamie for being my first two donors. It means the world. Also, that being said…

I know everybody doesn't have money to donate. Your kind words, hugs, prayers, etc. mean the world to me.

This was the picture I drew for my fauxbonichi, lol! I think it captures but I'm feeling right now.

Also, I would like to thank all of you that I have reached out to me with condolences. I'm still in a state of wondering if this is some kind of dream. It all just seems surreal. However, I got a text this morning discussing funeral arrangements. I guess it is real.

Continuing on…

I've been thinking a lot about my soaps lately. I haven't felt well. I haven't had time. I also need to organize my room so I can find everything I needed to actually make more soap.

Even with all the excuses I miss it dearly. It's almost zen like for me when I am preparing and making soap. I come up with this magic formula and it looks and smells so divine. Glides across my skin and feel so good. I miss it.

With that being said I'm going to get back on it. I still need to organize my craft room. But, it's something I love and miss.

I have been thinking about a name change. Because I love English and fairytales I went by soaping beauty at the beginning which was three years ago.

I'm very much thinking of streamlining everything and going with Curvy Nerd soaps!

I really love the idea. Plus, coming out with the logo will be very simple and very cute.

Over the past eight or nine months I've come to love the name. I answer to it. It does embody me.

Since I use it for my YouTube channel it just makes sense. It is me.

So, dear readers, please comment below on anything I have said and let me know your ideas. What scents do you like? Do you enjoy bath fizzles? Do you enjoy homemade lip balm? How about lip scrub? I can basically make anything that Lush-like at half the price!

Have a wonderful Tuesday and I love you all.

XoXo

THE CURVY NERD

A semicolon; a pause not an end to your story!

Early this morning I received a huge shock. I'm still in a state of mixed emotions. I suppose they would best be described as sharp, sadness, hurt, anger and regret.

I was very close friends with this girl. We did everything together for a period of a few years. About a year and a half ago her mental condition worsened and she began taking everything out. The friendship became almost intolerant. She would lash out. I kept in contact with her but could no longer be her punching bag. 

I was well aware she suffered from mental illness. She had severe bipolar disorder. She also had major depressive disorder.

In the span of our very close to your friendship she was involuntarily committed six times for trying to end her life.

Many of these times she would actually take pills in front of you and say, "what are you going to do now?" She would wait patiently for the EMS and I would come deliver activated charcoal and the waiting time with would begin again. 

The last time she did it in my presence she actually took my medication and took the whole bottle. Not only did she take her medicine I needed but she down the whole bottle in front of her husband and family. 

She admitted to me that she used this tactic keep her husband with her. He had thought of leaving her because of her erratic and abusive behavior. She knew that he would always find her.

I knew there had to be more. She was on quite a few medications for mental illness but refused therapy. I was urged her to go out for therapy. I told her it was the true answer. 

Now I come to the part where I discussed the semicolon project!

 “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, reports USA Today.

I love this idea. Your story is not ended. But, a semicolon reminds you that I easily could have been. It reminds you to take a pause. Take a break. Don't and your story.

I guess the reason I'm writing this today is because I received a phone call very early this morning. In  the 15 to 20 times that she overdosed in the past 3 to 4 years she always make sure someone would find her. 

Someone did find her!

Her son just graduated. He found her. 

This time, he found her too late. This time, there was no pause. This time, she was dead.

I have so many conflicting emotions because of how she treated me. However, the one one emotion that I know I have is sadness. I'm very sad that she never got the help she needed. I'm sad she's leaving her husband, two sons, and a nine-month-old granddaughter. I'm sad that she never got the help she needed.

Just remember, there is always someone out there that loves you, that support you, and doesn't want you to end your story.

I've never gotten a tattoo. I'm just too fickle. I knew that I change my mind. However, I am considering now.

A semicolon would remind me of all that see it that my story and their story is not ended. You just take a pause. Remember that things will be better tomorrow.

I've been hurting terribly in a physical manner for the past few weeks. I've been super depressed because I can't eat, I can't smile, and it's very difficult to sleep. Having teeth problems is one of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I have a very high pain threshold. 

It just seems terribly ironic that I have a time when I am trying to figure out how to pay for tooth extraction, setting up a go fund me account, etc. that someone else is taking their own life. Honestly, I can't say I've never thought of it with all the pain that I go through mentally and physically.  But, I know my story is not ready for that final period.  

I just need a pause. Perhaps you need to pause. Just remember you always have people that love and support you. Don't take that final step. Think about the noble and often forgotten semicolon. Just pause. 

Our story is not ready to end!