I'm always the SECRET LOVER

SECRET LOVER

This post is very emotional to me but it leads into my new channel aspirations. If you read it .... be kind. It's real and it hurts. But, it's something I feel that I NEED to get out.

I've always been a "secret lover". 

At first I thought this was a GOOD thing. Guys would tell me we'd be "secret" and keep it on the "down low". You might think "OH MY GOSH -- is she stupid?!" Well, no I was raised VERY VERY conservative. I didn't drink, smoke, or kiss a boy till I went away to college. I wasn't allowed to date.

So, I didn't realize that by "secret lover" it meant they were either cheating on their other girlfriend or they were ASHAMED of being seen with me. Usually, sadly, it was the latter. Usually, they were ashamed of being seen in PUBLIC with me. It was FINE in private but not public. This begin to make my already low self-esteem even lower.

I'm pretty sure at no time in my life my self-esteem has been higher than a 3 on a 1-10 scale. In college -- I guess it was the highest at a THREE. That's sad because if I could find my college pictures most would say "but you weren't fat". But, in my mind I WAS FAT. I WAS UGLY and worst of all.....I FELT USELESS. My only use was making other people happy. That's why I was content (Nay happy) being the "secret lover". 

I'm sure it further damaged my fragile self-esteem. Even though I was the "secret girlfriend" of a fraternity president, a star baseball player, etc. it was still SECRET! They were ashamed of me and when I did tell someone they got MAD. I realized I should just keep my mouth shut and take what people gave me. I did it all my life.

I've had only ONE relationship that wasn't secret. It's my current relationship. He is the only person who was never ashamed of me. He took me out in public. But, the damage was done.

I realized, recently, that people still want me as a "secret" (I'm not talking about as a lover) but as a person in general. NO MORE!

I know it WILL NOT be easy. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of a mindset and change it into a positive mind. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of damaged and zero self-esteem and feel positive. But, it CAN be done. I won't be ANYONE'S secret ever again. 

I wish I could name the people RIGHT NOW that I've had as "secret lovers" in the past. However, I won't call them out. I won't show how they treat people. Instead, I'll be the "Bigger person". I will survive. I will be stronger.

My birthday is in one week from today. 

I want a new me for my birthday.

I am not going to be in the shadows anymore.