Write What Scares You....... This scares me and the scars can't be seen.....

Write What Scares You......

(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)

Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...

I thought about this...

Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...

No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me

This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read 

** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**

* He was the fraternity president

* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin

* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)

* He offered me a ride back to my dorm

* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me

That is how I remember my virginity being lost.

It's ALL I remember. 

I blamed myself.

I told my friends.

They said, "it happens.."

I've been carrying this for 18+ years....

I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.

I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT! 

* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH

* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING

IF....

Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT! 

It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm. 

It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok. 

I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault. 

I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.

What do I do know?

I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.

It was NOT my fault.

(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)

I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why. 

I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.

Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!

Stronger.....

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...". I've heard that phrase SO MANY times. It goes hand in hand with "Karma will repay you...", etc. So many good quotes. However, I'm not seeing the results.

I've been through so much in my life. Illness, injuries, the loss of my "Mammaw", and now more. 

I'm not going into details about what is going on .... but it's enough to make me feel like an ant carrying a boulder.

My brother and I are more alike than I would have guessed. Neither one of us have really eaten since yesterday. We both are seeking sleep as solace but I was woken today because I was told "you were crying in your sleep so bad I had to wake you." So, even sleep isn't healing or hiding me.

I really do love this picture and quote but it tells me THREE things.

I MUST BE SUPER DUPER ....

STRONG

BRAVE

and

WISE

Why don't I feel like I am any of these things?

I don't feel strong at all. Last night I was crying and blubbering because I felt useless in a situation.

I know I'm not brave. I wouldn't have panic attacks if I were brave.

And....

Wiser? I'm no so sure about that either.

I need a new quote...

If things make you stronger then I should be able to lift the car and carry it into town.

I just want to be able to handle the stress and stressors with grace.

So, today...

I broke out my new "Kat Von D" Mi Vida Loca pallete. I played with makeup. I took selfies. I ombred my lips. I tried to make myself feel pretty, fierce, and STRONG!

A friend told me her makeup was like "warpaint" for the day.

Maybe, I will have to start applying my "warpaint". 

I also measured out enough oils to make 6 pounds of soap. (sadly, I didn't realize I didn't have enough lye so I had to order it)

I don't want to sleep...

I don't want to eat...

I don't want to cry anymore..

I don't want to puke anymore..

I really really want to call my Mommy and cry. I can't do that. I HAVE to be the STRONG one. 

But, what if the glass continues to bend and bend...

When does it break?

That is my question....

Comment below and let me know if you have a stress-relieving idea....

Thanks for reading.

Love you all,

XOXO

The Curvy Nerd

On being a "broken doll"......

I wrote this a while ago. I guess it is how I feel quite a bit but I am trying to repair this doll and take her "out of the attic". I'm tired of being played with and cast aside. Ladies (and gentleman too) I bet you know what I mean... I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment!

A one-eyed doll is cast to the side of an attic. Her clothes are worn and tattered. It looks as if they must've been blue at some point in her life. Now they hang off her half nude body. Her arms dangle lifelessly out of the sockets. One leg is broken off and the other sits at an odd angle. She smells like mothballs and tears. Salty and musty at the same time. Her mousy brown hair is cut oddly; bangs shorn all the way to the hairline. One green eye wobbles back-and-forth as I walk near her. Once she must of been a favorite. Once she must have been loved. One she must of been a real doll. Now she's a shell of what she once was. Battered, broken, dirty, and lifeless doll left to smother in the attic dust never to feel the sun again.  Doomed to diminish into the dust or for the rats to chew off her remaining limbs.

I'm always the SECRET LOVER

SECRET LOVER

This post is very emotional to me but it leads into my new channel aspirations. If you read it .... be kind. It's real and it hurts. But, it's something I feel that I NEED to get out.

I've always been a "secret lover". 

At first I thought this was a GOOD thing. Guys would tell me we'd be "secret" and keep it on the "down low". You might think "OH MY GOSH -- is she stupid?!" Well, no I was raised VERY VERY conservative. I didn't drink, smoke, or kiss a boy till I went away to college. I wasn't allowed to date.

So, I didn't realize that by "secret lover" it meant they were either cheating on their other girlfriend or they were ASHAMED of being seen with me. Usually, sadly, it was the latter. Usually, they were ashamed of being seen in PUBLIC with me. It was FINE in private but not public. This begin to make my already low self-esteem even lower.

I'm pretty sure at no time in my life my self-esteem has been higher than a 3 on a 1-10 scale. In college -- I guess it was the highest at a THREE. That's sad because if I could find my college pictures most would say "but you weren't fat". But, in my mind I WAS FAT. I WAS UGLY and worst of all.....I FELT USELESS. My only use was making other people happy. That's why I was content (Nay happy) being the "secret lover". 

I'm sure it further damaged my fragile self-esteem. Even though I was the "secret girlfriend" of a fraternity president, a star baseball player, etc. it was still SECRET! They were ashamed of me and when I did tell someone they got MAD. I realized I should just keep my mouth shut and take what people gave me. I did it all my life.

I've had only ONE relationship that wasn't secret. It's my current relationship. He is the only person who was never ashamed of me. He took me out in public. But, the damage was done.

I realized, recently, that people still want me as a "secret" (I'm not talking about as a lover) but as a person in general. NO MORE!

I know it WILL NOT be easy. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of a mindset and change it into a positive mind. It won't be easy to take 30+ years of damaged and zero self-esteem and feel positive. But, it CAN be done. I won't be ANYONE'S secret ever again. 

I wish I could name the people RIGHT NOW that I've had as "secret lovers" in the past. However, I won't call them out. I won't show how they treat people. Instead, I'll be the "Bigger person". I will survive. I will be stronger.

My birthday is in one week from today. 

I want a new me for my birthday.

I am not going to be in the shadows anymore.

Dear PEOPLE .... In response to Nicole Arbour's video

I've been trying to work on the video response to Nicole Arbour's, "dear fat people," for over a day. So far, I realized I was much too emotional to make a quality video. However, that doesn't mean I can't share my feelings on my blog.

When I was 11 years old my grandmother brought me a T-shirt that said "I'm fat but you're ugly and I can go on a diet." She didn't see my tears. She didn't notice that it hurt me. She told me she thought it was a good way to make me realize I could lose weight. Even at that young age my nickname was often "fat ass."

I was extremely underweight until puberty. I was fed those shakes with high high calories to keep a normal weight. Around the age of nine "when the big P arrived" so did the pounds. Nobody seemed to notice a correlation. I was just a "fat girl" in a skinny family. I was the actual "elephant it in the room."

Nicole's video made me furious. Furious at her ignorance, furious at her using the guise of comedy to fat shame, and furious at her downright disrespectful for people.

I will be making a video. It's just going to take time to call myself so the words come out correctly. Right now they would likely come out in the spew non-lady like curses.

She says that fat shaming is not a thing! Actually, fat shaming is medically documented. It is just in the scope a body shaming. Strike one for Nicole. Ignorance!

She goes on to say that she's not talking about people with medical conditions. That's nice, Nicole!

However, how do you know if someone has a medical condition causing them to be obese? Do they typically wear a sign around their necks? I know I don't! She's just using that to hide her prejudice. 

According to shape magazine, "fat shaming tends to actually cause people to gain weight." So, if you were so concerned about us do a little research and realize that what you're doing is actually destructive.

Many of us silently suffer from eating disorders. Many of us have PCOS. There are people that actually have thyroid disorders and not just a McDonald's habit. 

I found her description of the "fat family" particularly disturbing. People smelling of sausage? Grease coming out of their pores? Then, she goes to say the sun's "fat was pushing into her airplane seat." I can tell you that is a total lie because every airline has a policy that if your are morbidly obese you have to buy more than one seat.  Good try Nicole. But, lying to get sympathy just isn't working for you.

She is faking concern. I know she made this video to get this backlash so she gets more views. I guess she gets what she wants. But, she is also helping our platform. She's also making us realize that all people are not like her and she's just ignorant.

In the end your size does not indicate who you are. Your weight on the scale doesn't measure your worth. You are loved whether your tiny, straight size, plus size, etc. and in the end… Every size is beautiful.

And the end she must be miserable. She must be trying to make herself feel better. Telling curvy or "fat people" they are beautiful does not threaten the beauty of someone skinny, fit, or traditionally beautiful.  

I would also offer to buy her a thesaurus. I would also offer to buy her a dictionary. She obviously does not understand the definition of satire, comedy, etc.

Dear Nicole,

Learn to love yourself and stop hating others. Just because we love someone of a larger size does not mean we cannot love someone of your size. You're acting ignorant, hateful, and doing this just for views. Yes, you got your views. However, you're just advancing our platform. Thank you for showing what an ignorant woman you are. I am sure that we can all come together and make a go fund me account to make sure you're properly supplied with a dictionary and Thesaurus so you know what things like comedy and satire really mean.

Sincerely,

A fat girl you hate. 

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd