I see a nutritionist on Friday. So, I guess the 26th of June is a huge turning point in my life.
All my life since I was about 10 years old and hit puberty I've been told I'm too fat. I was put on my first diet before I was in the fifth grade. I learned that food was either a reward or punishment. I remember one summer walking 2 miles a day back-and-forth and being forced to do it whether it was 100° heat or not. My brother and I were both in the same rigorous parent imposed diet. He lost 40 pounds that summer and I lost 8 pounds. They thought I was cheating. They thought I was sneaking food. I wasn't. I suppose at that point someone should've realized that there was a problem. At my 12-year-old checkup the doctor remarked at the amount of body hair I had and how I had trouble losing weight but nobody took any further.
At 19 I had my first real gynecologist appointment and found out I had had polycystic ovarian syndrome since my first period and severe damage to my ovaries. I might never conceive a child. At 19 this wasn't a huge thought to me. I was in college. I was having the time of my life. But almost nobody knew was that I was severely anorexic. I also suffered from bulimia.
Nobody realize this until I had to see a specialist because I got to the point I could not even hold down water. I had developed esophageal scarring and severe heartburn and GER D. I know I did this to myself. The funniest thing when I look back is that I never remember being then even though I was malnourished and every bone in my body Poked out like a skeleton on Halloween. My family didn't tell me I looked bad. My friends didn't either. They all just congratulated me on my weight-loss which made me further continue this bad path. When I got to the point I could no longer eat I had to do something.
However, that something wasn't what was needed. I was removed from a summer semester of college and take into the psychiatrist. I was given Prozac the magic pill. It was supposed to fix everything. I never had counseling, therapy, or an appointment with a nutritionist or dietitian. I went back to school and did gain some of the weight back but my habits didn't really change that much. I was no longer bulimic but I still had food as a reward and punishment system.
To this day food is still an enemy for me. Tracking my calories is like a game to see how little I can possibly take. If I have a "good" day it means I've gone way under my caloric call for the day. If I have a bad day I'm severely depressed. But, recently I realized you can be "fat" and malnourished at the same time. It definitely made me realize the damage I've done to my body over the years.
Fast forward to next week or the end of this week. I will be seeing a registered dietitian/nutritionist. I will also be seeing a counselor to discuss my eating disorders. It's funny because people think you have to be super then to have an eating disorder. They are wrong. All you have to do is look in the mirror and see a person 200 pounds larger than you are no matter what your weight. All you have to do is think food is an enemy and not fuel. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I know I have a Long way to go.
I actually like my curves. I like my hips. I like the softness of my belly. But, I know that my eating habits are terribly unhealthy. I've started instituting small changes like cutting out soda and adding more water. A journey of 1,000,000 miles starts with one step and I'm finally taking that step.
I don't want to be skinny I just want to be healthy!
I'd love to hear your stories or experiences as well. Please, and let me know if you've ever struggled with something similar. Thank you all.
XOXO
The Curvy Nerd
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