Write What Scares You......
(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)
Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...
I thought about this...
Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...
No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me
This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read
** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**
* He was the fraternity president
* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin
* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)
* He offered me a ride back to my dorm
* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me
That is how I remember my virginity being lost.
It's ALL I remember.
I blamed myself.
I told my friends.
They said, "it happens.."
I've been carrying this for 18+ years....
I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.
I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT!
* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH
* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING
IF....
Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT!
It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm.
It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok.
I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault.
I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.
What do I do know?
I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.
It was NOT my fault.
(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)
I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why.
I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.
Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!
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