I DO NOT LIKE CANCER HERE OR THERE!

These past few months have been hard for me. Not only have I had physical struggles with Lupus, but also emotional struggles dealing with my mother's cancer.

I'm scared.

I'll admit it. I'm scared something with happen to my Mom.

I lost my "Mammaw" four years ago. She helped raised me. I thought I lost part of myself that day.

This post is mostly an "update" since I've been oddly absent from YouTube lately. (More on that below)

Mom will be having surgery on WEDNESDAY!!!!!

If all goes well they may be able to save her voice box, remove the necrotic tissue, and give her a tracheotomy.

She's not happy. She's super depressed.

She went from making 30.00 an hour to 322.00 a month on disability. It's been a struggle for her mentally and physically. She weights 97 pounds. It breaks my heart.

People keep asking what they can do to help.

All I am ASKING FOR are PRAYERS! They are TOTALLY FREE!

I reallllllly thought about making a "Go Fund Me" to help my mom. She worries constantly about medical bills. She should NOT have to worry about that on top of cancer. But, I didn't. I likely won't.

We are under severe financial strain ourselves. A few nights we had ramen. But, I consider us lucky. We do have lights and a home. Some people don't have that.

Now, I won't lie and say that this unexpected financial strain has not caused major emotional issues.

That is one reason I am not on YouTube. I CANNOT shop to show Dollar Tree hauls.

I'm afraid that if I start talking about the situation I WILL CRY.

But, here are some things you CAN do.

If you WANT soap and bath or body things check out "Geeky Queen Soaps" on Etsy. I'll be adding more in the coming weeks.

Geeky Queen Soaps

Also, if you shop on Amazon, using my link would help me.

http://amzn.to/2bpSgCN


So, prayers are the best way to help. Thank you all. I love you! Cupcakes!

A Christmas Wish that hasn't been granted......

A Wish that has not been granted.....

I've had the same Christmas wish for many years. It seems very silly. Its seems trivial. To most people it comes "Easy". All I want for Christmas is to see TWO lines. That sounds rather simple. Most women will know what I am talking about. I have taken SO MANY ovulation and pregnancy tests that I should own stock in the companies. I've had TWO lines a few times but it "just wasn't meant to be" or so I was told. So, with three plus miscarriages under my belt ... my wish this Christmas is for..

TWO LINES...

Yes, that's all I want.

I don't want a new Iphone, a blue box from Tiffany's, or anything else that can be bought. I want that child that I have longed for.. for over ten years. I want that baby that I dream of. I can see his/her eyelashes, the eye color, and remember the questions like.. Will he/she have your eyes or mine? 

I WANT...

TWO LINES...

I don't want to hear what people tell me all the time...

For instance..

* I Just get NEAR HIM and I get pregnant (Lucky you.. can I get near him?)

* Just RELAX (If it was that easy I'd be doing yoga on my head every night)

* Have you tried X Herb ( Yes, yes I have)

* At least you have natural birth control (SO NOT FUNNY)

* You can have one of mine! (Don't tease too much or I'll be at your door with adoption papers)

And then after they learn there have been multiple miscarriages they tell you things like...

* There is always adoption (If I could afford it I'd LOVE to adopt a child)

* It wasn't meant to be (HOW DO YOU KNOW?)

* Maybe it was not "right" (I'd take ANY child... any child of mine would be right)

When you make your Christmas wish lists this year remember the ladies that are just wishing for 

TWO LINES...

They want Santa to bring them the near impossible. 

I've not given up!

I'll never give up!

I might have a lot of stress, issues, and even medical problems in my life but I know I could offer a loving and stable home for a child.

So.. Santa, if you are listening... my Christmas Wish is...

TWO LINES!

This year is ESPECIALLY important. I keep doing this crazy fantasizing about showing my mother a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.  She starts chemo the day before Thanksgiving and wants to be a grandmother so bad. 

I actually feel like I've failed. I've failed at something that comes so natural to most women. I've failed at something that "crack addicts" can do. It squishes your self-esteem, it hurts your heart, and it makes you feel inferior.

Remember -- this year -- I just want TWO LINES!

I'm sure lots of other PCOS (and other infertility issues) would agree.

All we want are TWO LINES for Christmas. Buck up Santa!

XOXO
Me

Write What Scares You....... This scares me and the scars can't be seen.....

Write What Scares You......

(This is a short synopsis of a story I plan to write)

Those of you that know me know that I've been going through quite a lot lately and I've been using Netflix and especially, "The Carrie Diaries", to comfort and soothe myself. Young Carrie goes through so many trials of life and yet finds a silver lining in her writing. The last episode I watched had her (then boyfriend) explaining that the best writing is writing about "something that scares you"...

I thought about this...

Snakes, Spiders, Panic attacks, Hospitals, Doctors...

No.... that isn't what really scares me... This is what scares me

This is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read 

** TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE**

* He was the fraternity president

* I was a chunky 19 (almost 20) year old virgin

* I was drunk (DIZZY SICK DRUNK)

* He offered me a ride back to my dorm

* I woke up with a bloody condom on the bed next to me

That is how I remember my virginity being lost.

It's ALL I remember. 

I blamed myself.

I told my friends.

They said, "it happens.."

I've been carrying this for 18+ years....

I went into a horrible spiral after this incident.

I felt dirty. I felt used. I'd already lost my virginity so it didn't matter. It was MY FAULT! 

* IF I HAD NOT DRANK SO MUCH

* IF I HAD NOT WORN THAT OUTFIT
* IF I HAD NOT ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
* IF I HAD NOT SAID YES TO THE HELP WALKING

IF....

Finally, I realize it was NOT MY FAULT! 

It's too late. Way too late to even try to fix what I did after that. I was so miserable, dirty, and feeling so disgusted with myself I just spiraled. My grades plummeted. My alcohol use rose. The "blackout sex" happened more. It was "just sex". It was the norm. 

It took me all this time to realize that the reason I wake with these nightmares is because it was NOT the norm. It was not right. It was not cool. Just because I was "fat" didn't mean it was ok. 

I let myself go. I let myself get out of control. I didn't care. Three years later I was violently raped while NOT DRINKING. I still thought it was my fault. 

I have to write about this because it scares me. To THIS DAY I still remember strange, odd, and vivid details about the night I lost my virginity. Strange how 15+ years later you remember the room spinning, a dingy beige carpet, and the smell of Nautica on the cool frat boy.

What do I do know?

I advocate. I talk. I help others. I heal.

It was NOT my fault.

(Sorry if this was a trigger for some people. I believe this single incident lead to my panic, eating disorder, etc. I think there are still PLENTY of young ladies (and research has shown me that it happens more with plus size college girls) that this is still happening to. I am going to keep going forward writing about things like this. I am going to find my voice. I am going to share my story.)

I am going to "Write about what scares me"... It's not a clown, a spider, a snake...it's someone on my "facebook friends" list from college. He's not there anymore. But, he was weeks ago. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't remember why. 

I am going to start standing up for myself. I deserved better then and I surely deserve better now.

Tell me your stories. Help me heal. Comment and let me know what you think. But, remember.... if you are blacked out .. you CANNOT CONSENT TO SEX!

On being a "broken doll"......

I wrote this a while ago. I guess it is how I feel quite a bit but I am trying to repair this doll and take her "out of the attic". I'm tired of being played with and cast aside. Ladies (and gentleman too) I bet you know what I mean... I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment!

A one-eyed doll is cast to the side of an attic. Her clothes are worn and tattered. It looks as if they must've been blue at some point in her life. Now they hang off her half nude body. Her arms dangle lifelessly out of the sockets. One leg is broken off and the other sits at an odd angle. She smells like mothballs and tears. Salty and musty at the same time. Her mousy brown hair is cut oddly; bangs shorn all the way to the hairline. One green eye wobbles back-and-forth as I walk near her. Once she must of been a favorite. Once she must have been loved. One she must of been a real doll. Now she's a shell of what she once was. Battered, broken, dirty, and lifeless doll left to smother in the attic dust never to feel the sun again.  Doomed to diminish into the dust or for the rats to chew off her remaining limbs.

A DOLL IN A BOX

                                   A DOLL IN A BOX

 A good friend called me a "Doll in a Box." I thought about this for a while and decided that he was quite correct. I do feel like a doll trapped in a pristine box. Perhaps, I'm waiting to be opened. Perhaps, the packaging needs to be ripped apart so I can finally be "free".

When I started my YouTube channel I had a vision. I wanted to show outfits and makeup and just "looks" that would make women (all women) feel inspired, free, and beautiful. But, I especially wanted to showcase plus size clothing, fashion, makeup, and beauty. Why? Because a great deal of plus size women have issues feeling beautiful. I am not going to place blame on any certain person or group or people. Each person has their own inner demons to battle. For me -- it was how I grew up, how I was bullied and treated in high school through college -- and my eating disorder. The mirror was my enemy.

This was my dream!

This was my vision!

Somewhere, I got lost. I stayed the "Doll in the Box". I was scared to branch out and show outfits, show my body, and show myself. I'm not scared anymore. I want to have the channel I intended. So, I'm branching off. I still LOVE to do Dollar Tree Hauls, DIYs, etc.

But, I want a channel for "real talk". It might be above the normal "PG-ish" rating. It might show lingerie. It might show something of a "sexual" nature. But, it will be mine. I will be free. The box will be open. 

So, I urge you to subscribe to my new channel: Curvy Chronicles 

It will be the channel that finally allows me to "Let the doll out of the box" to play. I want to express myself. I want to be open. I want to be honest.

Most of all -- I want to be me.

I hope that you can support this journey..

Love you all,

XOXO
The Doll in the Box

Tea time with Downton Abbey!

Dearest friends,

I know that as of late I have been quite absent. My life seems to be a series of work, sleep, rinse, and repeat. I've been having trouble sleeping which you all know makes working on other things quite hard. So, I've turned to…DOWNTON ABBEY!!

Keep calm and drink tea!

Naturally, watching this has definitely made me want TEA.  I can think of nothing else. I've been making tea trying to soothe my nerves, calm panic, sleep, wake, etc.

I honestly haven't had the chance to try any exotic type of tea.  But, I've become addicted to Pinterest.  On there I can live my dreams of having a gorgeous tea set, having high tea, scones, clotted cream, and biscuits. Yes, I have an urge to be British you wicked child!

Seriously though, I'm really sorry for my absence as of late. Life has been so hectic. I get downtime and my tooth flares up or I become terribly clumsy and break my toe.

Hopefully, in the next few weeks I can figure out a schedule that works. If my Internet works again, if my job slows down, and if I can keep myself well. I know I'm working too much. I know I'm doing too much. I know this causes flares with Lupus. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.

I hope you are all doing well. I pray for you each night. Thank you all for sticking with me. Until the next time we meet I will dream about my tea set, tea, scones, biscuits, and being on the set of Downton Abbey. 

I miss you all.

Xoxo THE CURVY NERDY TEA DRINKER

Schedules?! I ain't got time for that!

I've been waking up with panic attacks in the middle night and every morning. I can say that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've been ill, stressed to the max, and hurting. Still, I have to figure out some sort of schedule that works for me. Schedule is a bad word in my vocabulary. 

Many people are very bad at schedule that is just a fact. However, if you ever have dealt with someone or have a chronic illness you know it's even worse. You may plan to feel good on a certain day and do certain things but your body may do differently. That seems to be par for the course for me for the last few weeks months years etc.

Live. Laugh. Love. 

I like that idea. 

I really want to make more consistent videos and stick to a schedule. However, I am working full-time from home, took on a second job to add to my tooth fund, and have been sick the past week.

This leaves very little time to do things like videos unless you want to see me looking like crap and sounding like Kermit the frog on crack.

I seem to be grabbing a few minutes here and there between work, sleep, etc. to watch videos and try to comment so that I'm still in the loop. I took a small hiatus from social media the past couple days and just peeked in because I felt so bad.

I have a very long list of "I need to do":

* I need to get a haircut

* I need to get my monster brows whittled down into two eyebrows instead of one

* I need to get the energy to recolor my hair

* I need to make more videos

And the list goes on.

Obviously, the above four are not necessities. I really need to eat, sleep, etc. but, those are things I want to get accomplished.

I have finally bought my own domain so that I can have my own little corner of the web for a couple dollars. Eventually, I need to build a website but that's likely going to take a bit of time. 

So, my fellow geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, snowflakes, etc. ( still thinking on the perfect name for that ) 

I plan to try my best to schedule things. There will be many hiccups. I can't schedule sickness in advance, sadly. I can't schedule bone aching fatigue in advance. I can't schedule work interruptions in advance. But, I can at least outline but I'd like to get done.

I'm going to try to start filming again so let me know what you would like to see out of the following videos that I really should get done:

Dollar tree stuff

Ipsy/other unboxings

Soap making or crafts

Declutter series

Vlogs 

Leave me a comment! I love comments. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Thank you all again for being part of my "chosen" family. I love you all dearly and just know that you make me smile each day.

Xoxoxo 

The Curvy Nerd 

A semicolon; a pause not an end to your story!

Early this morning I received a huge shock. I'm still in a state of mixed emotions. I suppose they would best be described as sharp, sadness, hurt, anger and regret.

I was very close friends with this girl. We did everything together for a period of a few years. About a year and a half ago her mental condition worsened and she began taking everything out. The friendship became almost intolerant. She would lash out. I kept in contact with her but could no longer be her punching bag. 

I was well aware she suffered from mental illness. She had severe bipolar disorder. She also had major depressive disorder.

In the span of our very close to your friendship she was involuntarily committed six times for trying to end her life.

Many of these times she would actually take pills in front of you and say, "what are you going to do now?" She would wait patiently for the EMS and I would come deliver activated charcoal and the waiting time with would begin again. 

The last time she did it in my presence she actually took my medication and took the whole bottle. Not only did she take her medicine I needed but she down the whole bottle in front of her husband and family. 

She admitted to me that she used this tactic keep her husband with her. He had thought of leaving her because of her erratic and abusive behavior. She knew that he would always find her.

I knew there had to be more. She was on quite a few medications for mental illness but refused therapy. I was urged her to go out for therapy. I told her it was the true answer. 

Now I come to the part where I discussed the semicolon project!

 “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, reports USA Today.

I love this idea. Your story is not ended. But, a semicolon reminds you that I easily could have been. It reminds you to take a pause. Take a break. Don't and your story.

I guess the reason I'm writing this today is because I received a phone call very early this morning. In  the 15 to 20 times that she overdosed in the past 3 to 4 years she always make sure someone would find her. 

Someone did find her!

Her son just graduated. He found her. 

This time, he found her too late. This time, there was no pause. This time, she was dead.

I have so many conflicting emotions because of how she treated me. However, the one one emotion that I know I have is sadness. I'm very sad that she never got the help she needed. I'm sad she's leaving her husband, two sons, and a nine-month-old granddaughter. I'm sad that she never got the help she needed.

Just remember, there is always someone out there that loves you, that support you, and doesn't want you to end your story.

I've never gotten a tattoo. I'm just too fickle. I knew that I change my mind. However, I am considering now.

A semicolon would remind me of all that see it that my story and their story is not ended. You just take a pause. Remember that things will be better tomorrow.

I've been hurting terribly in a physical manner for the past few weeks. I've been super depressed because I can't eat, I can't smile, and it's very difficult to sleep. Having teeth problems is one of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I have a very high pain threshold. 

It just seems terribly ironic that I have a time when I am trying to figure out how to pay for tooth extraction, setting up a go fund me account, etc. that someone else is taking their own life. Honestly, I can't say I've never thought of it with all the pain that I go through mentally and physically.  But, I know my story is not ready for that final period.  

I just need a pause. Perhaps you need to pause. Just remember you always have people that love and support you. Don't take that final step. Think about the noble and often forgotten semicolon. Just pause. 

Our story is not ready to end!