On being a "broken doll"......

I wrote this a while ago. I guess it is how I feel quite a bit but I am trying to repair this doll and take her "out of the attic". I'm tired of being played with and cast aside. Ladies (and gentleman too) I bet you know what I mean... I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment!

A one-eyed doll is cast to the side of an attic. Her clothes are worn and tattered. It looks as if they must've been blue at some point in her life. Now they hang off her half nude body. Her arms dangle lifelessly out of the sockets. One leg is broken off and the other sits at an odd angle. She smells like mothballs and tears. Salty and musty at the same time. Her mousy brown hair is cut oddly; bangs shorn all the way to the hairline. One green eye wobbles back-and-forth as I walk near her. Once she must of been a favorite. Once she must have been loved. One she must of been a real doll. Now she's a shell of what she once was. Battered, broken, dirty, and lifeless doll left to smother in the attic dust never to feel the sun again.  Doomed to diminish into the dust or for the rats to chew off her remaining limbs.

End The Stigma; one year without Robin Williams

It hit me this morning that today marks one year without Robin Williams and our life. I've had a very trying past few nights trying to sleep while dealing with panic attacks, jitteriness, and overall anxiety. Do I reach out to anybody? No. Why? Likely, because of the stigma attached with this. It still has not ended.

I've suffered from anxiety and panic disorder for more than 12 years. For many years I was very quiet about the issue. I felt as if I were a failure. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought nobody else would understand.

I wonder if that is how Robin Williams felt…

So many people deal with the same thing and yet there afraid to speak out.

In the past year I've learned about helpful resources such as the semicolon project. Do we really want to have our story? Or do we just want to take a pause?

For me, I just need a pause. Sometimes, life just gets too overwhelming. They anxiety is full force and I feel like nobody understands. I've lost virtually all my friends in real life. I hate to reach out to virtual friends as I have afraid of losing them as well. It's sad but it's true.

So, on the anniversary of losing this wonderful comedian and actor I have to wonder if he would've been helped if he spoke out…

I'm speaking it out! I'm raising my voice! Yes, I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. Yes, I suffer from lupus. This does not make me weak. On the contrary, I think we are some of the strongest people in the world.

Raise your voice, be heard, and speak out. Let's end the stigma. We are not crazy. We are strong. We are warriors fighting our own internal battle. Sometimes we need soldiers to help us along the way. That does not make us weak. 

Just remember that there's someone else out there just like you huddled under the blankets, crying, shaking, and needing a few more soldiers on their side.

Try to lend an ear. It will help more than you know.