The real reason I started a YouTube channel and why I will be changing it!

Nine months ago I started a YouTube channel to document my struggles with panic and anxiety disorder. Because of severe discouragement from my close family, friends, etc. I got worried. They told me "don't air your dirty laundry on the Internet."

Why is panic disorder, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, etc. "dirty laundry?" 

People seem to say mental illness is not a disease or disorder but something that you can just shut off. I know that these people have never experienced the trauma of a panic attack. They have never felt their chest tighten, their heart race, sweaty palms, chills, and overwhelming fear. Or, they would never say that you could just shut it off. Also, I doubt they would describe it as dirty laundry if they had experienced it before. 

One of my most horrific panic attacks is associated with Walmart. I was in there on a very very hot day and likely slightly dehydrated. The flickering fluorescent lights coupled with the heat just set me off. Suddenly, this huge store seemed to be so small and getting smaller with all the people. I felt like they were all staring at me. And I couldn't find the people I came with. I couldn't escape. I couldn't get to the car. I ran towards the front door and a cashier stopped me to ask if I needed something because I was so pale? She offered to call 911. Let me tell you: that is the worst thing someone can offer when you're already freaking out especially if one of your major triggers for panic are doctors and hospitals.

I paid for a water and then ran out the door. I ran out into more intense heat likely over 100° that day. Finally, my grandmother and little brother found me and we got in the car and air conditioner. It was horrible. It took me hours and hours to come down. To this day, I am still very nervous about going into Walmart.

That's probably the worst thing about panic attacks. They're so bad you began to fear the attack itself. You fear the places you have the attacks. And then, he began basically staying only" safe zones." The more you fear the attacks. The more you fear the places. The more the panic hits. The fear of the panic attack actually sets off the panic attack itself.

Then, if it gets really bad you become almost Agoraphobic. The outside world is not your friend. Often, even your inside and safe sevens aren't your friends anymore.

I've had many many panic attacks. I've had many trips to the emergency room where my pulse rate was 160 etc. Let me tell you…A Nurse saying wow your pulse is high does not help you when you're having a panic attack. 

People don't understand how horrible they are. People don't understand this is a disease and a disorder and not something to be shoved under the rug and be ashamed of. I have to admit that I am just as guilty. I don't specifically like talking about it. When I have a major freak out I have nobody to call anymore. I pretty much just hide. I don't want people to hear me cry. I don't want people to hear me freaking out. What if they think I'm crazy?  

It doesn't matter… I don't have anybody to call anymore. I have one friend that I can rely on but I try not to put too much on her. She also suffers from panic disorder so I don't want to set her off. Plus, putting everything on one person is a lot. One person isn't a support system!

Basically, the reason I'm writing this post is to tell you that I'm going to split off into a secondary YouTube channel. It will be called the Curvy Chronicles. Basically, I will do what I intended to do on YouTube in the first place. I will still do my fun stuff like Store reviews, etc. but I'm also going to tackle the hard stuff. That's what I wanted to do in the first place. I'm tired of letting my family and people that are supposed to be friends push me down.

So I hope you will support me in this journey. It won't be easy. Once I set up the new channel I will announce it and have links.

I urge you to talk to people to if you suffer from any of this. It is a lonely lonely world for someone dealing with this who has no one to vent to or feel like there is no shoulder to cry on.

Xoxoxo 

Jamie The Curvy nerd